(Mayday)
PILOT: I didn’t go thru 9 years of flight school to crash
ME: *relieved* Thank G-
P: I went through 0, so the crash will make sense
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I got attacked by a cat with no claws today. Reminded me of getting mugged by a canadian…
Holiday anxiety is the most festive of all the anxieties.
I’ve just had to let my trousers out.
They wanted to go for a walk and I couldn’t be bothered.
doctor: your heart rate is a little high, have you exercised today?
me: does sex count?
doctor: yes
me: then no
Ladies, if all he does is make you cry then maybe you’re dating an onion and not a man.
her, deep in thought: *does that cute thing where she puts the tip of the frames of her glasses in her mouth*
me, deeper in thought: *eats my glasses*
9: [who only had 97 snacks today] Are we ever gonna eat dinner?
[Job interview]
Me: [thinking] I hope he doesn’t notice the mustard on my shirtInterviewer: [thinking] Is he eating a fkn hotdog?
*bolts upright in bed, instantly wide awake in the middle of the night*
“FIRE TRUCKS SHOULD BE CALLED WATER TRUCKS”
There’s a programme on the BBC called Elephant Diaries.
You’d think that was one animal that wouldn’t need to keep one.
At my age getting up early just means that I had to go pee and I couldn’t hold it anymore.
The coronavirus is exactly like that houseguest who won’t take the hint to leave but who also won’t stop killing people.
If only my Fitbit could measure the calories I burn while seething.
babe is everything okay? you’ve barely touched your pile of hundreds of elaborate projects you start but never finish
First Obama came for my guns. Then he came for my knives. Then he came for my dinette set. Then he redecorated the whole place. It’s lovely.
I have a friend named Stacy. My husband calls her Tracy. After correcting him several times, we are finally both calling her Tracy.
Assassins are just murderers who found a way to make money off their favorite hobby.
don’t understand why electricians aren’t called power rangers but okay
Elmo: Elmo says this just him coping
Oscar: I don’t care, it’s morbid and- oh hey Bert
Bert: Ahem *nods to jar under arm*
Oscar: Hey Urn-ie
Live, Laugh, Love
Leer, Lunge, Lactate
Do things that start with L
bartender asked if i wanted another beer & i said “no thank you, i have to pee soon & don’t like leaving an open beer” so one of the guys said “ain’t nobody gonna drink your beer”
…do men think the reason we don’t leave our drinks unattended is because someone will drink it??
Are you happily married or did your husband “jokingly” make a beeping sound when you took 3 steps backwards?
MARRIAGE TIP: When your wife forgets to set the timer and incinerates dinner, DO NOT whistle “If I Only Had a Brain” from the Wizard of Oz.
That was the most exciting race between two stationary vehicles I have ever seen. #GreaseLive
Just remember, we are all just 1 small prescription away from riding a unicorn.
Every time I look into baby carriages, there’s always an INFANT inside and never a very small, old-timey gangster smoking a cigar.
Disappointing.
SCIENTIST: Dear God! Were… were you chewing bubble gum when you went through the teleporter??
ME, a pink, lumpy man-shaped blob: Uh… no.
SCIENTIST: Oh… sorry.
First time flying huh?
-Yeah how could you tell?
Just a hunch. You wanna come down to your seat? The overhead bin is typically for luggage.
Even death won’t stop my mom from criticizing me
Her: I need a funnel
Me: well that narrows it down