Lovingly painting a Hitler moustache on my mother with a Sharpie so she’ll only go out if it’s absolutely necessary.
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for pi day i will be going as a cutie pie
Outing my girlfriend as a Protestant at Christmas dinner so my Granny forgets that we’re both women
If evolution isn’t real, then why are my hands the perfect size and shape for carrying Starbucks cups?
ME: Make every guy afraid of me.
GENIE: As you wish.
ME: (a tampon): son of a
I hope someone asks me what’s in my pocket because it’s the bra I just took off and a cheeseburger.
How does Darth Vader like his steaks? Done done done done da done done da done.
Please don’t block me.
[on date]
HER: I cant see u anymore
ME (hiding under table): lol I know
H: no I mean I cant see u anymore
M (still under table): lol I know
me: you can’t take a joke
joke thief: what
landlords: *will ignore you for months about issues in your apartment*
also landlords: your rent was 2.6 milliseconds late
Better than a Justin Bieber concert:
1. Being deaf.
2. A rattlesnake bite.
3. Chewing razor blades.
4. Licking a public toilet seat.
What do you mean they lied? Pfft. You can’t lie on the internet.
I’m sick of teeth being so high maintenance. Cleaning? Day AND night?? Or you fall out? You don’t see the other bones acting this way. Seriously, grow up.
Mom: When I was your age I never had sex
Me: Mom, I’m 32
Mom: Exactly
[first BDSM session]
Dom: Let’s begin. Safeword?
Me: fwerd
Dom: No! SAFEWORD
Me: *flinching* FWERD
[white house staff meeting]
Obama: Any questions?
*Biden raises hand*
Obama: Spongebob is yellow Joe.
*Biden returns to coloring book*
How many mystery writers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Two: One to screw it almost all the way in and the other to give it a surprising twist at the end
Joseph: *putting his arm around Mary* may I be the first to ever say to you ‘Merry Christmas’
Mary: *shrugging his arm off* we’re Jewish Joseph
I have pictures of random children in my house. When my kid misbehaves I gently remind him of the brothers & sisters that came before him that are no longer part of the family.
Avril Lavigne: He was a boy, she was a girl, can I make it any more obvious?
Homicide detective: I’m gonna need you to try.
“Have you seen my thumb ring?”
~ my proctologist
no one will tell you this but the secret to looking hot in photos is looking hot in real life
Marriage is like Disneyland. Magical at first but then you realize that there’s someone else in the Mickey suit.
Choose a job that you love, and your boss will never have to work a day in their life.
I started a petition to ban people from collecting autographs.
So far I’ve got 50,000 signatures.
Hold the door for your girlfriend. Listen to the door. Tell the door everything will be okay. Leave your girlfriend for the door.
As a new homeowner, I was excited to learn how to do carpentry, plumbing and electrical work. And now that I’ve destroyed it, does anyone want to buy a house?
My 6yo ate his dinner but apparently that wasn’t enough food because he said “I’m hungry” and I said “I’m daddy” which really wasn’t the answer he was looking for.
My teenager just stuck one of her AirPods in my ear and Eminem was playing. She looked me dead in the eye, as if I haven’t blasted this a million times, and had the audacity to ask, “isn’t he good?””
satan: i am lord of the underworld.
me: Antarctica?
satan: no it’s much hotter.
me: (nods) Australia.
Hey microwaves that make me hit a “time” button before I start pressing numbers: what else would I be trying to do here, make a phone call?