@human_not_bees

Lovingly painting a Hitler moustache on my mother with a Sharpie so she’ll only go out if it’s absolutely necessary.

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@NotGoodEthan

“IN THIS CORNER.. DWAYNE “THE ROCK” JOHNSON”
*the rock beats chest*
AND IN THIS CORNER… RYAN “PAPER” WALLACE
*the rock is visibly nervous*

@LindaInDisguise

The most difficult part about taking a personality test is deciding which personality should take it.

@gm_cage

My 8 yr old son asked me earlier what the first two letters of ‘fun’ are.
I laughed, we fist bumped, and then I sent him to the corner..

@riot4rach

Me: I’m just saying it’s nice that you feed all these stray cats

Cat Lady: Once again, I’m not going to bring you french fries

Me: Even if I-

Her: The costume doesn’t make you a cat

Me: *purrs*

Her: Still no

@DanMentos

[at dentist]
so your X-rays look grea-
*phone rings*
hold on
*on phone* a new engine? jesus, ok
so as I was saying you have several cavities

@CharlieDontSrf

If I were an old Chinese man I would never say anything, just nod and laugh strategically to freak people out

@AtticusFinch79

[blind date]

HIM: so Paul says that you’re a real charmer *smiles*

ME:*whips out three snakes from my bag and a flute* you bet i am

@thatUPSdude

Me: Want some of my nachos?

Coworker: I don’t like nachos.

Me: Hello 911, what’s consider premeditated murder?