Lovingly painting a Hitler moustache on my mother with a Sharpie so she'll only go out if it's absolutely necessary.

Lovingly painting a Hitler moustache on my mother with a Sharpie so she’ll only go out if it’s absolutely necessary.

Woman: $150 for mice removal?!

Me: Yep *dumps box of snakes*

Woman: Get them out!

Me: $300 snake removal fee

*dumps box of mongooses*

Grease (1978, musical)
A highschool girl wins happiness and the acceptance of her peers by changing who she is and taking up smoking.

In these tough times, you can pop in the Titanic DVD to watch rich people die painfully, their money powerless against the fury of nature

Life is like a box of chocolates. People repeating the same movie quotes over and over until words have no meaning peanut tambourine ocelot

“Opening a llama acting school called ‘Save the Drama for your Llama.”

“No, I mean where do you see yourself in 5 years with this job?”

My son just flicked a booger & now it’s hanging from my wife’s forehead. I’d tell her, but our waitress is still reading the specials.

How did people charge their phones before electricity?

I’LL SAY WHEN I’VE HAD ENOUGH! KEEP ‘EM COMING, BARTENDER!!

*handing me another espresso*
The term is barista, ma’am.

Van Gogh: “Dude, I saw this hella vase of sunflowers today.”

Gauguin: “Pics, or it didn’t happen.”

[van gogh pulls out oil paints & easel]

Bad Cop: The proof is in the pudding.
Good Cop: Stop putting all our evidence in pudding. Why do you keep putting our evidence in pudding?

Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets