@human_not_bees

Lovingly painting a Hitler moustache on my mother with a Sharpie so she’ll only go out if it’s absolutely necessary.

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@Mr_Kapowski

Woman: $150 for mice removal?!

Me: Yep *dumps box of snakes*

Woman: Get them out!

Me: $300 snake removal fee

*dumps box of mongooses*

@asimplesean

Grease (1978, musical)
A highschool girl wins happiness and the acceptance of her peers by changing who she is and taking up smoking.

@duckpuppet

In these tough times, you can pop in the Titanic DVD to watch rich people die painfully, their money powerless against the fury of nature

@TheNardvark

Life is like a box of chocolates. People repeating the same movie quotes over and over until words have no meaning peanut tambourine ocelot

@joe_binkley

“Opening a llama acting school called ‘Save the Drama for your Llama.”

“No, I mean where do you see yourself in 5 years with this job?”

@squirrel74wkgn

My son just flicked a booger & now it’s hanging from my wife’s forehead. I’d tell her, but our waitress is still reading the specials.

@Darlainky

I’LL SAY WHEN I’VE HAD ENOUGH! KEEP ‘EM COMING, BARTENDER!!

*handing me another espresso*
The term is barista, ma’am.

@ojedge

Van Gogh: “Dude, I saw this hella vase of sunflowers today.”

Gauguin: “Pics, or it didn’t happen.”

[van gogh pulls out oil paints & easel]

@PhilJamesson

Bad Cop: The proof is in the pudding.
Good Cop: Stop putting all our evidence in pudding. Why do you keep putting our evidence in pudding?