“IN THIS CORNER.. DWAYNE “THE ROCK” JOHNSON”
*the rock beats chest*
AND IN THIS CORNER… RYAN “PAPER” WALLACE
*the rock is visibly nervous*
Lovingly painting a Hitler moustache on my mother with a Sharpie so she’ll only go out if it’s absolutely necessary.
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The most difficult part about taking a personality test is deciding which personality should take it.
My 8 yr old son asked me earlier what the first two letters of ‘fun’ are.
I laughed, we fist bumped, and then I sent him to the corner..
Me: I’m just saying it’s nice that you feed all these stray cats
Cat Lady: Once again, I’m not going to bring you french fries
Me: Even if I-
Her: The costume doesn’t make you a cat
Her: Still no
so your X-rays look grea-
*on phone* a new engine? jesus, ok
so as I was saying you have several cavities
If I were an old Chinese man I would never say anything, just nod and laugh strategically to freak people out
HIM: so Paul says that you’re a real charmer *smiles*
ME:*whips out three snakes from my bag and a flute* you bet i am
‘What just cracked?’
A guide to aging.
Me: Want some of my nachos?
Coworker: I don’t like nachos.
Me: Hello 911, what’s consider premeditated murder?