*lowers car suspension to look more gangster*

*takes 12 minutes to ride over a speedbump*

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I’m starting to think we won’t be getting Mambo number 6. If it was coming, it would have happened by now



GOD: a rat dog

ANGEL: check

GOD: that whispers to white people

ANGEL: what?

GOD: about the weather



If tomatoes are a fruit, then ketchup is a smoothie.


On June 28, 2009 Stephen Hawking threw a party for time-travelers. He announced the party the day after it happened and he said no one came.


Big fight at Bible group. Jeff said Jesus was a liberal and Cheryl said Jeff gave her chlamydia


My hobbies include knitting and leaving one star reviews on recipes when I used different ingredients and different techniqes and it turned out gross.


when my dog starts eating grass I tell him “no bud that will make you pukey” but he’s seen me down tequila like I’m trying to dissolve my intestines so he can eat a little roadside salad


Baby needs a costume? Wrap it in tin foil. Baked potato. Next question.


Most populated places in the world:

1. China
2. India
3. United States
4. Indonesia
5. Friend Zone
6. Hell


Just watched the movie 2012 and honestly I don’t remember any of that happening.