I’m starting to think we won’t be getting Mambo number 6. If it was coming, it would have happened by now
*lowers car suspension to look more gangster*
*takes 12 minutes to ride over a speedbump*
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GOD: a rat dog
GOD: that whispers to white people
GOD: about the weather
If tomatoes are a fruit, then ketchup is a smoothie.
On June 28, 2009 Stephen Hawking threw a party for time-travelers. He announced the party the day after it happened and he said no one came.
Big fight at Bible group. Jeff said Jesus was a liberal and Cheryl said Jeff gave her chlamydia
My hobbies include knitting and leaving one star reviews on recipes when I used different ingredients and different techniqes and it turned out gross.
when my dog starts eating grass I tell him “no bud that will make you pukey” but he’s seen me down tequila like I’m trying to dissolve my intestines so he can eat a little roadside salad
Baby needs a costume? Wrap it in tin foil. Baked potato. Next question.
Most populated places in the world:
3. United States
5. Friend Zone
Just watched the movie 2012 and honestly I don’t remember any of that happening.