Bad cop *plants drugs in perps car*
Gardener cop *adds mulch & Miracle-Gro®*
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I see a badly-tied bin liner.
I hate my earbuds.
I always go swimming with a spoon in case I need to defend myself from a jellyfish.
[2018]
ALIEN: take me to ur leader
ME: uh ok *takes him to president Donald Trump*
ALIEN: lol good one but seriously where’s ur real leader
Me: I grew a beard once & It actually looked just like yours.
Him: Why’d you shave it off?
Me: I just told you…
It creeps me out when my dog watches my wife and I have sex. We hide the videotapes, but he always finds them.
when your baby starts crawling on the ceiling how do you get it down
So creative 😂
Today’s kids will never know how to play Minesweeper – because neither did we 😂
[at restaurant on 1st date pretending not to be an eel]
Date: The wine is lovely great choice
Me: *helplessly slips off chair*
7: mom look I got my math test back!
me: you got 35 out of 35 that’s 100% im so proud of you!
7: cool, so 35 and 35 is 100?
me: …like I said, said proud…
E-Cigs. The great taste of water vapor, the cool look of blowing a flashlight.
Pretty sure I could never successfully get away with a crime. I shed as bad as the cats! 😹
[first date]
date: i’m an optimist
me: wow i’ve never met a transformer before
[face down in a bowl of hot soup]
WAITER: is everything ok?
ME: could I get a spoon or something
Twitter should disable deleting tweets and add a regret button instead.
I’ve diversified my investment portfolio by purchasing multiple properties*
*Barbie Dream House, Peppa Pig House, Gabby’s Dollhouse, Polly Pocket house
[Meeting]
*Gestures to pie chart* “Now as you can see this chart is not nearly as delicious as it sounds.”
My favourite horror sitcom crossover was I Know What You Did Last Of The Summer Wine
Amy Winehouse’s final album was “recorded before her death.” Thanks for the clarification.
Girl: Cute dog
Me: Thanks he’s my therapy dog
Dog: *taking notes* possessive and codependent
I keep having this dream where an old, floating man with a giant, white beard is commanding me to build a giant hazmat suit, big enough to contain my entire family and two of every animal of the world. Wierd, I know!
Cop: *looks at license* Says here you need glasses.
Me: I have contacts.
Cop: I don’t care who you know, you’re not getting out of this one.
Is it wrong that I lied on my tinder profile about how many tusks I have?
4: Mommy, I need a snack
Me: Perfect timing! I was just going to make you a hot dog for dinner!
4: No. I don’t want dinner. I want a snackkkkk.
Me: How about a hot dog as a snack?
4:…. YESSSS
“I just bought a kitchen stove, but you know, you can never have too many of those. I should buy one for every room in the house.” -how Amazon believes people think
It must be hard to judge a wet t-shirt contest. I saw one recently and all the t-shirts looked equally wet.
Any leftover cabbage can and will be shredded and mixed with mayo
– Cole’s Law
As I sail away from the Island of Lollipops, never to return, tears well in my eyes and I wave goodbye to each and every lollipop, the only friends I have ever known. “So long, suckers,” I whisper through trembling lips
8yo: Did you know they used to have computer mouses that had wires? I don’t even know how you could use those
Me: To strangle your coworkers
8yo: What?
Me: Huh?