@EviGarth

‘LSD makes users lose weight’

That makes sense, it’s kinda hard to get to the fridge when there’s a dragon guarding it.

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@jackiembouvier

I can tell Spring is almost here because I’m on the verge of wanting to kill myself but I’d also like to plant some bulbs.

@TheRealNickKay

Daddy Bear -“Someones been sleeping in my bed.”

Mummy Bear -“Wouldn’t be the first time.”

Daddy Bear -“It’s been 3 years Sue, let it go.”

@MeetYourDaddy

Sometimes I wish I was an octopus, so I could slap 8 people at once.

@iwearaonesie

wife: Why didn’t you talk to me about renting a bouncy house?!
me [stops jumping]: You would have said no

@notjustblondee

“Previously on-”

First of all, I’ve been watching for ten straight hours

@sad_tree

*Killer sneaks into my house to murder me but sees me practicing karate w/ my big stuffed dog I won from the carnival and changes his mind*

@Eves1

Ok guys, I have 28 minutes to kill before I casually need to respond to a text message.
What’s up?

@TheProvenFacts

The average human body contains enough human bones to make up an entire human skeleton.