Dating is like a 2-day-old box of chocolates.
The good ones are already taken.
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I knew he was the one when I asked if he liked to hike and he answered “On purpose?”
In my village the coming of age test is this: your mother abandons you in a grocery store. If you maintain your humanity and survive on groceries you will be a great leader. If you let yourself be raised as a grocery you will become the grocery shaman and do great grocery magic.
if a bear charges at you, don’t play dead. play nintendo, maybe the bear will join you and you’ll become best friends
The jerk store called? But, that jerk store burned down ten years ago… on this very night
oh you hate me? name all of my flaws
Welcome to your 40s, being amazing in bed now is just not waking up your partner with your snoring.
My eyebrows are looking ferocious. They’re about to hop off my face & maul someone.
What idiot called it grand larceny and not klepto currency
Skipping rocks with 11 at the lake thinking how great it is she’s not looking at a screen when she says, “This is fun, do you think there’s an app for this?”
I bought a treadmill because I ran out of closet space for my clothes.
{Couples Counseling}
THERAPIST: Tell me what you love most about each other.HER: He’s so kind.
ME: If we don’t have cheese she goes and buys cheese.
[Last day in prison]
*Walks up to the biggest guy*
Hey man, sorry about that first day stuff.
If “live each day as if it’s your last” means being paralyzed with anxiety and a sense of impending doom then I am absolutely nailing it
Be the reason your neighbors have that why me look in there eyes whenever they see you
stephen king’s mind:
what if dog…bad?
what if car…bad?
what if clown…bad?
what if hotel…bad?
her: i only date woke guys
me: [trying to impress] i have insomnia
I love watching a bird of prey in flight, soaring through the–nevermind its a trash bag everything sucks
[Exit interview]
HR: So, where do you think you went wrong?
GUY WHO LET THE BIG WOOD HORSE INTO TROY:
Co-worker insists on talking with his mouth full. No one can ever understand him. Wish we had a dentist was in the house to interpret.
*Opens Twitter*…..scrolls 4356 tweets….*checks for abs*
5-year-old: My teacher said this project needs adult supervision.
Me: OK, what do you need me to do?
5-year-old: Go find Mom.
If at first you don’t succeed, sweep the leg.
Everybody was Feng Shui fighting, those cats improved my ambient lighting.
[reading of my will]
To my nephew, William, I bequeath the satisfaction equivalent of unjamming and popping out a compact disc tray; I also leave him the alacrity to accept what a shit inheritance this is, and then $100k just to spite the other nephews who never sucked up to me.
[waterloo]
napoleon: wow. that was really embarrassing
general: yea
napoleon: hope nobody writes a song about this
I work hard so that the possum that lives in my garage can have a better childhood than I did
HIM: [awkwardly] wanna go see a movie?
HER: sure, sounds great.
[next day]
HIM: could i maybe come with you next time?
*eating a brick of cheese like a stick of butter, which I eat like a burrito, which I eat like an ear of corn*
My kid yelled she couldn’t wait to be an adult so I handed her the bills, threw the laundry on her bed, replaced her pizza with cauliflower, redirected my student loan calls to her phone and demanded she get me a snack every time she tried to go to the restroom.
Revenge is never the answer, but sometimes drawing wrinkles on their voodoo doll just feels right