The magician got so mad he pulled his hare out.
‘LSD makes users lose weight’
That makes sense, it’s kinda hard to get to the fridge when there’s a dragon guarding it.
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I can tell Spring is almost here because I’m on the verge of wanting to kill myself but I’d also like to plant some bulbs.
Daddy Bear -“Someones been sleeping in my bed.”
Mummy Bear -“Wouldn’t be the first time.”
Daddy Bear -“It’s been 3 years Sue, let it go.”
Sometimes I wish I was an octopus, so I could slap 8 people at once.
wife: Why didn’t you talk to me about renting a bouncy house?!
me [stops jumping]: You would have said no
First of all, I’ve been watching for ten straight hours
*Killer sneaks into my house to murder me but sees me practicing karate w/ my big stuffed dog I won from the carnival and changes his mind*
Ok guys, I have 28 minutes to kill before I casually need to respond to a text message.
The average human body contains enough human bones to make up an entire human skeleton.