@rage_chaos

“LSD Makes Users Lose Weight”
That makes sense. It’s kinda hard to get to the fridge when
there’s a dragon guarding it.

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@XplodingUnicorn

Me: Why can’t we feed the animals?

Wife: They’ll get lazy and dependent and never, ever go away.

Me: *looks warily at our kids*

@SaraMansford

I know Aladdin can’t wish for more wishes, but why can’t he just wish for more genies?–My 5 year old and future lawyer, probably.

@PickleRudd

[Genetics Lab]

Me: One designer baby, please

Doctor: It’s not like that, you..

Me: Please remove the pooping and crying functions

Doctor: What? No, you can’t…

Me: Give it wings and flamethrowers

Doctor:

Me: I’m gonna call her Claire

@WheelTod

On your first day at the beach, go up to the toughest-looking guy there, and let the air out of his water-wings.

@fraktal8

Since wine is made from grapes its technically accurate to say I did a fruit juice cleanse for New Years Eve.

@Divergentmama

When a kid starts off a sentence with “promise you won’t get mad,” don’t panic. Just be prepared to get mad.

@gaurav_verma23

Me: OMG! Everyone is dead!
Instructor: For the last time, you are late and it’s a yoga class.

@mrfeelswildride

teenagers are like ‘here to live well not to live long :)’ yet shriek in terror when I appear before them in alleyways wielding a scythe

@Fart_Bringer

“U put on suntan lotion?”
“No”
“Youll get sunburned!”
*sun descends, his voice echoes loudly*
“NICE BICEPS BRO, UR LIL SISTER LOAN EM TO U?”