Me: Why can’t we feed the animals?
Wife: They’ll get lazy and dependent and never, ever go away.
Me: *looks warily at our kids*
“LSD Makes Users Lose Weight”
That makes sense. It’s kinda hard to get to the fridge when
there’s a dragon guarding it.
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I know Aladdin can’t wish for more wishes, but why can’t he just wish for more genies?–My 5 year old and future lawyer, probably.
Me: One designer baby, please
Doctor: It’s not like that, you..
Me: Please remove the pooping and crying functions
Doctor: What? No, you can’t…
Me: Give it wings and flamethrowers
Me: I’m gonna call her Claire
On your first day at the beach, go up to the toughest-looking guy there, and let the air out of his water-wings.
Since wine is made from grapes its technically accurate to say I did a fruit juice cleanse for New Years Eve.
When a kid starts off a sentence with “promise you won’t get mad,” don’t panic. Just be prepared to get mad.
Me: OMG! Everyone is dead!
Instructor: For the last time, you are late and it’s a yoga class.
teenagers are like ‘here to live well not to live long :)’ yet shriek in terror when I appear before them in alleyways wielding a scythe
“U put on suntan lotion?”
“Youll get sunburned!”
*sun descends, his voice echoes loudly*
“NICE BICEPS BRO, UR LIL SISTER LOAN EM TO U?”
Was everyone before this just…not washing their hands?