Dr. Seuss would have CRUSHED it on 8 Mile.
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My 3yo just reminded ME to wash my hands after we got home so if anything good were to come out of this pandemic it’s that we’re raising a less gross genera- ope never mind he just ate a booger
Part of me says, “I can’t keep drinking like this.” While another says “Don’t listen to her, she’s drunk.”
Make every hug more interesting by mysteriously whispering, “the Dark Lord stands at the crossroads
*Looks out the window to see it raining fire and brimstone* “Oh man my car windows are down!”
Date: so where do you see yourself in ten years?
Me: (remembering women like commitment) living happily with a wife (remembering women like mystery) whose murder remains unsolved
My 6yo has invented this new thing called “dessert for lunch” and it basically means he can have ice cream after lunch because he’s definitely gonna eat all his dinner. Definitely.
War vets with prosthetic limbs are running marathons and I’m busy trying to lasso the tv remote with my phone charger cord.
ME: *opens car door for date like a gentleman*
DATE: *running and out of breath* PLEASE STOP THE CAR
Spoil any movie by telling ur friend “Ice Cube dies” before they watch it. They’ll be waiting for Ice Cube to appear and die the whole time
Me trying on those leggings I bought before the pandemic
{God inventing turtles}
What if a lizard had social anxiety?
Clerk: Sir this is an awful lot of cheese for one person.
Me: What?
C: You should be ashamed of yourself, panic buying is not the answer.
M: Panic buying? Um, what are you talking about, 7 blocks of cheese is a normal week for me.
C:
M:
C: Have a nice day
captain: *drops anchor over side of boat*
me: great now who’s gonna do the news
Only 3 things can make me run. When someone yells, “Fire”, “Free beer” or “The free beer is on fire”
Google would like to use your current location. Allow/Deny? Allow
*100 Google employees throw a party at my house*
My 4yo went through my phone and confronted me like I cheated on her, “you took a lot of pictures of this baby…”
Cop: Where were you at the time of the murder?
Me: I’d trapped myself in a Tupperware container
Cop: Damn, that’s an air tight alibi
Take two chicken wings and call me in the morning.
welcome to janurary 32nd everyone
seems fine
ME: so this is what it sounds like when doves cry
SUBWAY GUY: all I said was we were out of meatballs
[date]
HER: I absolutely love Star Wars
ME: Oh me too
HER: What’s your favorite part?
ME: *nervously* Uh, when the stars go to war
Me: Why does my phone keep changing campus to Camus?
Phone: There is no higher purpose in life.
Me: You could at least stop misspelling words.
P: *long drag on cigarette* There is no meaning. Duck yoor speeling.
Me: Is that a beret?
P: Oui.
My son turns 18 today. I bought him a set of luggage for his birthday.
Too forward? Maybe it’s too forward.
Bruce Banner with his hand stuck in a Pringles can, getting more and more frustrated
Marriage, when you drink as much as possible before your husband gets home so you can just drink 1 glass of wine in front of him.
Save money on laser removal of ‘love hate’ knuckle tattoos, by changing the last letter to an ‘s’ and developing an interest in millinery.
Me: I can’t believe it’s not butter!!
Wife: Well, that’s suntan lotion so I don’t know why you’re surprised
Me: *continues eating
The downside to posting jokes all the time is that if I tweeted “Help, I am in an Iranian prison” everyone would be like “haha good one”
Boxing Day is just another excuse for me to binge watch all the Rocky movies.