my parents got an amazon echo for christmas & all they do is shout at it & get disappointed by all it can’t do. i’ve been replaced by alexa & it’s great.
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garage sales are a great place to find extra stuff for you to throw away when you move
alexa mow my grass with an upside down helicopter
I wrapped my coat around a young girl. She was standing in the freezing cold with no coat, her shoes barely covered her feet.
She didn’t even appreciate it, she just kept screaming at me to get out of her wedding video
OK, Gravity wasn’t very realistic. First of all, and I checked this, Sandra Bullock — not an astronaut
Next time I open up to somebody it will be an autopsy.
I’ve started slipping an occasional “meow” into everyday conversations with people to see if they’re really listening meow to me.
I love traveling with my husband because it gives us an opportunity to bicker in new and exotic locations.
I’d love for someone to play with my hair & tell me I’m pretty but his hand would get tangled in my hair and things would get weird… Fast.
It’s NOT day drinking if you didn’t sleep the night before, mother.
wicked witch: I’ll get you, my pretty, and your little dog too
john wick: *blushing* you think i’m pretty?
Help, I lost my voice. Is there an app that will yell at my kids for me?
Wife: Let’s get my mom a special gift; one that will make her lose her mind!
Me: How about a guillotine?
Wife:
Me: I’ll be on the couch.
*holds seashell to ear* new shell who dis
me: why are you leaving me Barbar?
Barbara: because after 11 years you can’t get my name right
me: but I love you Brabra
I share an office thermostat with a middle aged woman. I’m in a t-shirt while she’s rubbing 2 pencils together trying to start a trash fire
I once dated a woman named Kim who hated to be called Kimberly. Then I dated a woman named Chelsea who really hated to be called Kimberly
Doesn’t eat all day cause jeans shopping later.
Wife: did you know hippos kill way more people every year than sharks?
Me: how? by sitting on them? lol.
Hippo: [in the booth next to ours at Denny’s] I’m gonna kill him.
When life gives you lemons, worship the elder Gods. Take candy from a baby. Drink from a trough of blood. Who cares? None of this matters
Sid Miller out here wasting a week’s worth of drafts in the past hour.
A child will either brush their teeth for 3 seconds or for 15 minutes.
“FOR [sound of robot-computer meltdown/Buckethead noise] PRESS 1
FOR [feint but audible screams of someone being chased in woods] PRESS 2”
Do I want to change career and uproot my entire life or is it just 6pm on a Sunday
Every time you hire a clown for a kid’s birthday party, a therapist gets a new car.
me: [climbing a tree]
bonsai artist: please stop
This is so embarrassing, what’s your name again?
– me, the first 30 times I meet everyone
Chicken bread
Asked my 10yo where she was going to hide her candy so her sister couldn’t find it, and she said “my mouth” and rolled her eyes because ask a stupid question.
I have a neighbor who will drone on for 15 minutes with the most boring stories ever.
Then when you start to talk she stares off into the distance like she’s looking for someone on a horse to come save her.
[caught getting last piece of pie out of fridge]
And I would have gotten away with it too, if it wasn’t for that meddling open door beep!