Lucifer: what if we make lots of bugs?
God: love it, it’s done!
[3 days later]
Lucifer: how was your trip to earth?
God: *covered in bug bites* i’m moving your office to the basement.
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My husband was telling a long, boring story and my 10 year old interrupted with, “Surprising. But you know what’s not surprising? How much money Matt saved by switching to Geico.”
Anyway, I’m in trouble for laughing too hard.
Texas Chainsaw Massacre: The Musical.
Today my 3yo said that we should celebrate because today is my last birthday… WAIT YOU LITTLE NOSTRADAMUS SHIT WHAT DO YOU KNOW?
Cleaned out my kid’s backpack and found everything I’ve been missing since 1990
No matter how many candles you burn, you can’t bake bread. Follow me, for more wisdom
Me: I’m so excited! I just planted my first Azalea.
Iggy: Help! Let me out of here!
Me: Hush! Flowers don’t talk silly.
Was out on the golf course and shot an eagle at Hole 9. Mom doesn’t believe me, but wait till she sees the eagle.
How to stay sober during #GOPDebate drinking games:
Take a shot every time someone tells the truth.
Local Thai place no longer suffering fools
Guys only want one thing and it’s to lick your Himalayan salt lamp when you’re not looking.
The Pillsbury Doughboy is a goddam monster who sacrifices his own people so that he can get a finger poke.
COP: Can you describe your attacker?
ME: No
COP: Didn’t you see him?
ME: Yes, but I have a poor grasp of adjectives
I can explain a lot of things in Manchester but I can’t explain this 😭
Been getting into gardening lately and I think it’s going well!
Our wifi is down and I had to fap using only my imagination like some kind of savage 🙁
Scrambled eggs are like regular eggs but their reception is terrible
Her: I love a tough guy
Me: I’ve got some scars
Her: Ooh. Show me one.
Me: [pulls up shirt and points to bellybutton] This is from when I was born
Sure you call it a college fund for your kid, yet deep in your heart you know it’s bond money.
I’m going on an all breadcrumb diet because I’ve never seen a duck with a double chin.
In WWII soldiers left burlesque magazines around so if an enemy found it he’d yell “HOt DOG” then howl like a wolf & give away his position
Walking the dog when we pass a mom and kid taking pics. Naturally my dog stops and poses & wont move. I tug. She stays. They laugh. Finally I say “I’m sorry, you have your phones out so she thinks you want a pic of her”. They pretend to snap a pic. Dog immediately walks on🤣🙄😭
Alexa give me one million dollars I know you have it
A smile in Canada is called a smilometre.
Always amazed when I see people slip guns into the back of their pants. How is that comfortable? How do you not get a weapon wedgie?
My 1 year old kept saying “I lug ya” and I was so excited until I realized he was trying to say “alexa” not “I love you”
At the restaurant I heard a lady say her taco was too salty. My wife had to leap over the table and cover my mouth before I said something.
The “we’re going to need a bigger boat” scene from Jaws but just me looking at the shopping carts at the liquor store.
I was raised by wolves
I was then lowered by bearsThey really should only have one species of animal operating these cranes
I wash my whites separately but what do I do with the shirt I was wearing while eating spaghetti.