Luckily, children are much easier to keep alive than house plants.

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Me: *turns on game
Wife: *turns on vacuum
Me: *turns volume to max
Wife: *runs vacuum slowly in front of television


Try a craft you’ve never done so you can get mad at a person you’ve never met.


[death row sitcom]

Me [sits down in a chair to eat]: This chicken is raw!

Warden [flicks switch]: That’s about to change



Hello. I’m the guy who sleepeats thousands of spiders every year and screws up the average for everyone. Sorry for scaring you.


Amazing that the townspeople didn’t like Belle what with her waking up every day and calling them a bunch of simple idiots


“Please pass the bee-nut butte-”
*wife glares*
“-the honey”


Killer with knife to my throat: it’s ironic how you’re about to die in your living room.
Me: actually, that’s not really what ironic means.


People who love to clean are just practicing to eliminate the evidence


I found a spider in my shoes. He looks ridiculous, they’re way too big for him.


Me: Can I order the conch fritters please?
Waitress: The “ch” is pronounced like a “k”
Me: Okay Bick.