@Bluestmoon_

Luckily, children are much easier to keep alive than house plants.

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@OakHill_

Me: *turns on game
Wife: *turns on vacuum
Me: *turns volume to max
Wife:
Me:
Wife:
Wife: *runs vacuum slowly in front of television

@AnniemuMary

Try a craft you’ve never done so you can get mad at a person you’ve never met.

@ShortSleeveSuit

[death row sitcom]

Me [sits down in a chair to eat]: This chicken is raw!

Warden [flicks switch]: That’s about to change

Sign: *APPLAUSE*

@brendohare

Hello. I’m the guy who sleepeats thousands of spiders every year and screws up the average for everyone. Sorry for scaring you.

@jessokfine

Amazing that the townspeople didn’t like Belle what with her waking up every day and calling them a bunch of simple idiots

@SkinnerSteven

[kitchen]
“Please pass the bee-nut butte-”
*wife glares*
“-the honey”

@tigersgoroooar

Killer with knife to my throat: it’s ironic how you’re about to die in your living room.
Me: actually, that’s not really what ironic means.

@junejuly12

People who love to clean are just practicing to eliminate the evidence

@tastefactory

I found a spider in my shoes. He looks ridiculous, they’re way too big for him.

@gwatts77

Me: Can I order the conch fritters please?
Waitress: The “ch” is pronounced like a “k”
Me: Okay Bick.