my grandfather would be rolling in his grave if we got him the casket he asked for.
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“You’re just not my cup of tea” I say to someone else’s cup of tea.
*throws coin in fountain*
stranger: can you not do that?
Me: just want my wish to come true
S: this is a drinking fountain
m: wish came true
You can’t hurt me. You aren’t an empty bag of Reese’s.
🎶 It was an itsy bitsy teenie weenie 🎶
opening a deli called “Work” a steakhouse caled “The Gym” adn a fried chicken place caled “A Funeral” for ppl who like to eat & need excuses
A teacher grabbed my arm in the 3rd grade and pulled me to the back of the line. When I asked what I did, she said you know what you did. I’m 47 and I still don’t know.
If I’ve already used “For sure”, “Right?”, “No kidding” and “Seriously”, your story has gone on too long. I am out of responses.
I hope the world needs to be saved from the apocalypse with video game skills so my teen’s entire life won’t have been a complete waste.
I know I’m more literater than you because of my fancificacious vocabularianistic wordicisms.
Me: “Leave me alone! I’m confident in who I am and I know my worth!”
Dollar General Employee: “Sir, these shelves aren’t designed to support your weight please get down from there.”
Honk if you are possessed by the vengeful spirit of a goose
I didn’t have to shower alone today…..
Related…….why the hell are there spiders in the winter?
It used be called “talking to yourself” but the new term for it is “podcasting”.
[calls my sister while babysitting her kids] are they allowed to smoke inside
[being murdered]
omg yay i never get picked for anything
Not saying I say dumb things when
I’m nervous but I once asked a date “so what’s new in history?” When she told me she taught it to kids.
My friend told me her kids don’t get dessert every night which really confused me. Like, what does she use to bribe them to eat their dinner?!
we’ve all been home together for a solid week now and my 6-year-old has expressed daily outrage about how the wh- in “whole” is different than in “when” and “why” and now i’m mad about it too
I’m not proud of the person I become when there’s a cheese tray at a party.
Only 50 more days til we find out who’s our next President! Last time I was nauseous 50 days straight, at least I got a baby out of it!
Before I burn any bridges, I like to make sure there’s no bars or restaurants I really like on the other side.
“Lunchables” is a good name because it doesn’t make any grandiose claims: “This is able to be eaten as lunch.”
I like the new game of thrones show but I don’t think the laugh track is necessary
As my mate Simon once said, there should be a German word for “there should be a German word for”.
I have way too much responsibility for someone who still isn’t sure if 12pm is noon or midnight.
Oh you’re a fan of Oppenheimer? Name three bombs
When we first dated I thought your freckles were dots of inexcusable cuteness. Now I can see how joined up they draw a pentagram.
can’t wait for 65 million years after we’re extinct and whatever race is in charge makes human-shaped chicken nuggets
If you boil a funny bone does it then become a laughing stock.
As a rule, if the number of genders allowed to drive in your country is less than two, you live in an awful country.