God *creates a worm* hello little buddy!
Worm: Thanks for the “worm” welcome haha
God *creates birds*
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I can’t wait for the stage of capitalism where we have to watch a 15 second advertisement before we remember a memory.
Dear waiter,
You messed up my order because you didn’t write it down. I employed your strategy while calculating the tip.
Love,
David
Why am I getting ads for things that cost $495? I have never bought anything ever that costs $495
The vegetable crisper or as I call it, the cold garbage can.
Facebook is a great platform to find long lost friends to borrow money from.
[Trailer voice]
Detective Will Anker is an alcoholic with a drug problem who has just 48 hours to find the person who killed 150,000 innocent people & stole 37 billion pounds.
The only problem is everything points to him!!!!W. Anker
Thursdays on Fox
Silly you… one can’t throw out the baby with the bath water. The baby will clog the drain.
Mad at your man? Five minutes before he gets home, turn on “Pitch Perfect” then hide the remote in the dishwasher.
The fact that the Mayans invented chocolate just goes to show what a civilization can achieve if they are willing to do human sacrifice
cutting bell peppers and adding googly eyes is bound to heal your soul a little, give it a try
Man, people are taking spring cleaning extra seriously this year.
Being goth is hard. The curse on your boss is not working. Ravens are impossible to train. Deodorant marks on your black clothes. Ugh.
Ask your doctor if Drugs™ are right for you. If he says no give him a wedgie and stuff him in a locker he is a nerd.
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who demanded to use a fork to eat his soup and can’t eat his soup
I’m on hold. My call is important to them.
Call your laptop what it really is: Bed TV.
Him: Where’d you get that black eye?
Me: My girlfriend gave it to me.
Him: I thought your girlfriend was out of town.
Me: I did too…
Cats playing poker makes more sense. Dog’s tails would be a tell.
Brewmaster: Get out of there at once!
(Me, splashing giddily in vat): IT’S OK I’M WEARING UNDIES
i’ve always wanted to be a whistleblower but unfortunately i don’t know anything
By the time you reach 45, everyone becomes an expert orthopedist. “It hurts where? Yeah, that’s your medial hip flexor tendon maximus. I had that last year.”
Ask a man if he’s critiquing your work…
Men Who Are Dating say: No, & compliment you.
Single Men say: Yes
Married Men: Try to hide
The second half of your life begins when you stop wanting to get even and start wanting to get odd
The first 12-16 hours after waking up are always the most difficult.
My kid’s superpower is finding the one show that isn’t streaming on Hulu, Netflix, or Prime
I’m seriously considering adoption who wants me.
Draw attention to your older tweets by being arrested on suspicion of multiple murders.
If Miley doesn’t get her shit together, all these Hannah Montana collectibles are never gonna get my kids through college
A face that lunched a thousand chips.
Ladies time to start dating the older dudes
They can get you in the grocery store earlier