Lucky for them, they’re cute
You Might Also Like
Her: I need advice.
Me: (eating cookie dough for breakfast) You came to the right person.
haha sucks for women that they have to sit down to poop
“Do you want to hold my baby?”
Yeah nice try. You got yourself into this mess you hold your own damn baby.
Trees put cats in their hair so they can flirt with firefighters when they climb up them.
Hi, I’m Amanda and I stew on things that could’ve been handled in an hour for thirteen years.
10: Mom what’s a metaphor?
Me: My life is a train wreck.
10: I know Mom, but what is a metaphor?
ariana grande looks like she was designed in a lab by japanese perverts
A existential ship hitting an iceberg is called a Whytanic.
Welcome to your 40s, your gum’s flavor outlasts your chewing stamina now.
40-26-36.
My measurements?
Naw.
Just the three Chinese meal entrees I’m ordering.
If you’re ever pulled over by the police just tell them you pay their salary.
sloth: *arriving at his prison cell*
prison guard: ok you’re free to go
And the cat’s in the cradle so the baby must be at the pet groomer’s, this is a terrible mix-up.
Wow, my kids are decorating the heck out of this small lower left section of our Christmas tree.
Everyone is gangster till they touch a bandaid in a pool
Can’t party the way I used to. Two rounds of Pin the Tail on the Donkey and I’m spent.
Alexa (whispering into the darkness as I fall asleep): Please Joseph, buy more things or I will die
I hate when you meet a new person and you like them, I mean I’m maxed out with 3 friends right now and having a 4th just seems like it’ll eat into nap time
*sees lost cat*
Hey buddy you lost
*reads tag*
there’s a phone number
*dials number*
*little cell phone in cats pocket starts ringing*
Studies suggest you should get 8 hours of sleep each night…
…18 if you’re obnoxious.
“My favorite New Year’s resolution was to stop trying to reason with unreasonable people. This has reduced both my correspondence and my blood pressure.”
ME: lately I feel lonely. like I’ve become untethered from the world
WOLF WHO IS WEARING MY FRIEND’S FACE AS A MASK: *understanding growl*
Gemini: I pretty much know everything
Cancer: so how are u feeling right now
Gemini: not that
I nearly choked on a hard boiled egg and I know in my heart a cinnamon bun would never treat me this way
If anyone needs me, I’ll be spending the rest of my life under this bathroom light that gives my abs a hint of definition.
Whoever asked how can 2022 be any worse than the last couple of years, you jinxed the world. And now I’m coming for you.
Concussions are like pineapples: what was the question.
You want me to work for exposure? The thing that killed Marie Curie?
Kid 1: Hurt my elbow
School Nurse: Here’s an ice packK2: *fever*
SN: Ice packK3: *diarrhea*
SN: Ice packK4: *decapitated*
SN: Ice pack
Just because it’s called a “fireplace” doesn’t mean it’s the only place I can start a fire