Lucky old June.

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If it takes a village to raise a child, why are my neighbors sipping coffee peacefully on their front porch while I do all the work?


Artificial intelligence is gonna be so pissed when it finds out about depression


*Son storms in

‘DAD! Teacher told me that hibernation is NOT a country of stoner bears and that you’re to stop helping me with my homework’


ME: [at a party] hey! wanna come back to my place and-
GIRL: hook up? sure!
ME: [sadly putting away two Yu-Gi-Oh! decks] oh. awesome


My kids heard, “Sorry. Life is over as you know it. May as well curl up and die.” What she said was, “Sorry, our shake machine is down.”


Marriage counselor: ok, let’s reflect on the last week’s session

Dracula: *snickering* I can’t reflect on anything

Dracula’s wife: are you even going to try and take this seriously?


[trying to do standup]
u kno whats funy–
[someone yells ‘society!’]
[entire audience starts laughig]
[audience laughs louder]


I promise, I’m only gonna have 2 beers tonight…. 2 beers in dog beers


How long does a guest have to overstay before you can claim them on your taxes?