Traditional marriage was between a boy’s parents and a girl’s parents. And maybe some cattle.
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Girlfriend: YOU NEED TO MOVE ON
Me (sliding Blockbuster card back into my wallet): I’m trying…
Martin Shkreli in jail: “Can I have an aspirin?”
Jail: “Yes. That will be $197,000.”
[invention of croutons]
Let me put a few bread rocks on top of your salad. Trust me, people in neighboring cities will hear you eating this.
There’s no cool way to get your braces unstuck from the carpet.
i just took the price tag off of a gift i will be giving to my cat
ME: *walks in with ball rammed into my mouth* Happeh nuh?
JUDGE: Not what a gagging order means! Are you sure you want to defend yourself?
I don’t mean to brag, but I do all my own auto repairs.
*turns up volume*
SEE! THE RATTLING SOUND IS COMPLETELY GONE!
Police say a man was found lying dead on his couch and wrapped in a blanket. Apparently there were signs of a snuggle.
*On a 1st date*
Me: Psst, you can hold my hand if it gets too scary for you 😉
Them: We’re having a picnic
Me: *suspiciously glaring at a nearby squirrel* I said what I said
This isn’t chess folks. Pick a nuggie sauce and move along
You ever think about how there are people who can identify cars? Like instead of “brown truck” or “grey sedan” everywhere they go they’re all “that Mazda Myopia is turning left beside the 2017 Chevy Stigmata”. That’s so wild. It must be like seeing those colors only shrimp see.
Another election year, another voting day writing in Bart Simpson on the ballot.
me: if only i could sleep AND get motion sickness
waterbed salesman: you’re not gonna believe this
I learned everything I need to know from cats. When things get sketchy, run like hell and then stop and groom yourself
10 wants everyone to know i’m a horrible parent who never lets him have a friend spend the night tonight. even though he and his friend have spent the night at each others houses back and forth since Monday. kbye
After dating me for a month and telling me he’s in danger and needs money, the tinder swindler would’ve been shocked when I said “that’s crazy, what you gonna do?”
“Bob is coming over for dinner.”
Bob from work or Bob the giraffe?
*there’s a knock at the upstairs window*
You can tell an awful lot about a person by the way they boil their underpants.
When is this ball dropping?!? And why am I the only one in Times Square right now?!?
My favorite part of the gym is leaving. And girls in stretch pants.
I’d rather lose the Super Bowl than have Gatorade poured on me.
Me : I will never work for my boss again…
She : Why ? What did he said to you??
Me : ‘You are Fired’
A lawyer walks into a bar. A lawyer leaves the bar. A lawyer walks into the bar. A lawyer fails the bar because he was drunk.
“Either shave your legs or kiss me”
Fun fact: if you say “I did the math,” nobody argues with you because they don’t want to have to redo the math themselves.
Pretty insulting when you wake up in a bathtub of ice and they left all your organs.
born to say “are you f*****g stupid” forced to say “wow i’ve never thought about it like that before”
4: When can I wear 13 shirts?
Me: When you live in NYC and get in an argument with your roommate and decide to put on all of his clothes
[inventing the knife] What if a stick was mad
“Size DOES matter”, I whisper to my double stuffed Oreos.