@Home_Halfway

“Lucy, in the sky, with diamonds.” – John Lennon, the world’s worst Clue player

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@seamusmckracken

Freak your cat out by running in the room, stopping abruptly to lick yourself and then running back out again.

@3sunzzz

[aquarium exit]

Excuse me ma’am, would you mind opening your bag?

I beg your pardon?!

OPEN YOUR BAG

*opens bag and reveals two penguins*

@Eric_Bader

If the Zombie Apocolypse doesn’t start out like the dance portion of the Thriller video I’m going to be so pissed.

@kacisuewho

Him: *whispering* you still awake
Me: *exhales loudly through harmonica*

@3sunzzz

I experienced a potato famine once; it was the longest night of my life.

Narrator: Ursula ran out of vodka.

@secondofhername

OMG THIS IS SUCH A SURPRISE THE THOUGHT OF WINNING AFTER A NOMINATION IS A PHENOMENA THAT BLOWS MY MIND HOW DID IT HAPPEN
– All Emmy winners

@CulturedRuffian

I just want the confidence of my grandpa in church taking a call from the pharmacy on speaker phone to confirm his Viagra prescription.

@moose_chocolate

The E. coli in the city water supply means I am just one glass away from my goal weight.

@iliezabeth

ME: can u pick me up in ur claws
DRAGON: go AWAY dammit
ME: can u just put me in ur mouth pls—I wanna look out from ur teeth like im in jail