Freak your cat out by running in the room, stopping abruptly to lick yourself and then running back out again.
“Lucy, in the sky, with diamonds.” – John Lennon, the world’s worst Clue player
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Excuse me ma’am, would you mind opening your bag?
I beg your pardon?!
OPEN YOUR BAG
*opens bag and reveals two penguins*
If the Zombie Apocolypse doesn’t start out like the dance portion of the Thriller video I’m going to be so pissed.
Him: *whispering* you still awake
Me: *exhales loudly through harmonica*
I experienced a potato famine once; it was the longest night of my life.
Narrator: Ursula ran out of vodka.
OMG THIS IS SUCH A SURPRISE THE THOUGHT OF WINNING AFTER A NOMINATION IS A PHENOMENA THAT BLOWS MY MIND HOW DID IT HAPPEN
– All Emmy winners
Me: *smiling from ear to ear*
Plastic surgeon: My bad.
I just want the confidence of my grandpa in church taking a call from the pharmacy on speaker phone to confirm his Viagra prescription.
The E. coli in the city water supply means I am just one glass away from my goal weight.
ME: can u pick me up in ur claws
DRAGON: go AWAY dammit
ME: can u just put me in ur mouth pls—I wanna look out from ur teeth like im in jail