Lucy in the Sky with Some Splainin’ to Do.
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Got 3 boxes of tampons, Midol & Ibuprofen at the store. Checker was so scared he paid for my shit & carried it out for me.
Guy in front of me at McDonald’s: I’ll take two of everything
Me: IS THERE A FLOOD
I DON’T KNOW ABOUT?
I forgot to pick up a 10mg gummy I dropped on the ground in my backyard last night and this morning it was covered in ants and I just can’t even imagine the day those little guys are about to have
I’ll make sure my house is clean when you first come over to visit
But after that I don’t care because you’ve seen it clean once
7: Dad what does this word mean
Me: Bring me a dictionary
*Smack up side the head
Me: Now go google that shit
My 3yo just ate a bunch of almonds and complained his chin hurt from the salt.
I asked him if he wanted a wet napkin to help.
He said he needed a dinner roll to help it.
Now he’s holding a King’s Hawaiian Roll on his chin.
[excerpt from my failed job application]
MILITARY EXPERIENCE?
◽️yes
◽️no
◾️other (please explain)
while I have never served in an armored division I do have several tank tops
Bad enough that literally no one showed up for my Super Bowl party today, but now I can’t even find the game on tv to watch.
-Ho ho ho, what do you want for Christmas?
-I want a Kylo Ren lightsaber, a Thor hammer, a Star Trek phaser, a—
-I was asking the boy, sir.
[job interview]
“What’s your greatest weakness?”
Alcohol
“Umm ok, how about strengths?”
*pouring him a shot* Sharing
Writing prompt: You will run out of money entirely in three months and your only skill is writing.
Five drunk guys will start a FIGHT.
But five stoned guys will start a BAND!
Chess with Australians must get so confusing.
“Check, mate.”
“Naw mate, that’s just a check.”
“That’s what I said. Check, mate”
Me: I’m not going to eat any pizza.
Me: I’m not going to eat more than 3 slices of pizza.
Me: I’m no longer going to place any limitations on myself.
I’m so glad that I got my big grocery shopping trip out of the way on Sunday. Now I only have to stop at the store 750 times during the week.
whoa.. whoa… whoa… we ain’t flying anywhere until you get some damn pants on
me: well, you know, change is inedible
her: i think you mean inevitable
me: *spitting out several nickels* nope
Not saying it’s wet out there but the animals are lining up two by two.
[job interview]
“any public speaking experience?”
not since the valedictorian speech in high school
“very impressive”
I yelled ‘YOU SUCK’
The first step to admitting you have a problem is having a problem.
Me: I really want to go travelling
My bank balance: like…around the house?
One of the few joys in my life is when my kids step on their own Lego.
#SaturdayVibes Never forget #BishopSycamore: The fake high school that tricked ESPN into airing their games. 😭🏈📺
sex work? uh yeah, I sure hope it does
That’s me in the corner eating beef gravy with a fork
Bailiff: Do you swear to tell the whole truth, so help you God?
Me: Yes, unless she asks me if she looks fat.
If my wife calls me passive-aggressive one more time I swear to God I’m going to run the dishwasher half-empty again
I was so busy yesterday, my smart phone had 75% battery left at the end of the day.
Dear whoever chalks my final outline… A little off the belly would be much appreciated.
ME: i don’t trust salesmen
SALESMAN: OH MY GOD LOOK OUT FOR THAT CAR
ME: oh shit where
SALESMAN: right over here isn’t she a beaut