@TheDairylandDon

Lucy in the Sky with Some Splainin’ to Do.

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@KentWGraham

Whenever I skip a day on the treadmill, I add the 25 minutes to the next day. Tomorrow, I will be running until 2026.

@dwaghalter

“What if a third team came and attacked these two teams?” – my daughter, not understanding football/making football more awesome

@travisauruss

I think the closest I’ve come to playing romantic music at a girl’s window is when I forgot to turn down “Eye Of The Tiger” at the drivethru

@DaddyJew

Friend: I think I smell burnt toast

Me: that’s awesome! You don’t have Covid

@squirrel74wkgn

Logic says the screw I dropped should be somewhere by my feet, but science says it’s under the couch in the other room.

@forcemajeure40

Apparently when I’m at Olive Garden I’m family.

So why did they call the cops when I left without paying? My family never makes me pay.

@CrockettsBeard

I edited all the slow motion scenes in Baywatch back to regular speed. The entire series was only 16 minutes long.