@PopSlapFunk

Lucy plans elaborate jewel heist.

Lucy dons cat burglar suit to conceal identity.

Lucy pulls off heist.

Lucy in disguise with diamonds.

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@Home_Halfway

AGE 17: I’m gonna play this game on nightmare mode and complete everything

AGE 27: I’ll play this on hard mode but probably won’t do every quest

AGE 37: I died just turning the game on

@Kica333

Apparently “A shit ton” is not the correct response when a girl scout asks how many boxes.

@themorris23

In the car and passed by a cop and my 12 year old says “everyone be cool! Act normal!”

Expecting that Father of the Year award any day now

@JermHimselfish

The average Hollywood producer green-lights 8 Spiderman reboots in his sleep

@jonnysun

“caramelized” is just a word chefs use if they burn things
caramelized onion
caramelized apple
caramelized todd from HR who tried to diss me

@EJGomez

undercover boss: im gonna learn what it means to work the day to day jobs and stay undercover for the next few weeks
[first hour]
worker: hey man someone shit all over the bathroom u got it
undercover boss: wow u figured it out its me, The Undercover Boss

@what_a_messs

Babe, can u vacuum a Chess board into the carpet again? the guys r here for a lifesize game
*guys standing around in armor & kings outfits*

@TheChalupa1

If you wanna get into my pants, feel free.

They’re over there on the floor. Haven’t worn them in months.

@chuuew

ME: OMG I love quizzes. Next question!

DETECTIVE: Where were you the night of murder?