hear me out, a safari park full of giraffes called giraffe’ic park
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I jump from the skyscraper’s ledge, performing 3 graceful somersault, right into the arms of a hot firefighter. Neither of us survive impact
Auto carrots has been really aggressive with the editing lately
The male version of pamphlets are jimphlets, thank you for your time
“Release the Kraken!”
…
“Well?”
“We released him. He just took off. It’s not like he was trained or anything.”
…
“Release the tuna!”
Tip for lower back pain: injure your neck to take your mind off it.
the embarrassment of competing in a rap battle and finding out your opponent is your doctor who does not care about hipaa violations
Your secret is safeish with me
I consider sexual harrassmemt a compliment. I mean they only do it if your hot right?
I listen to Ed Sheeran in the same way I stuff an entire cupcake in my mouth over the sink hoping no one will see.
dating is scary, what if I put myself out there and I fall in love with someone who’s family plays charades at holiday gatherings
An Adele remix? Perfect now I can dance and cry at the same time.
My son asked for help with his math homework as we pulled into the school parking lot.
Then I laughed & laughed & told him to get out.
Mario: I killed all your turtle troops.Bowser: Turtle what?Mario: All the turtles that work for you.Bowser: What turtles?Mario: Uh oh…
I know it’s so bad but all the other restaurant names were taken. Anyways welcome to Feastiality can I get you guys started on some drinks
This outfit is called Running Into Someone I Know Would Be The Ultimate Worst Thing That Could Happen
I meant to tell a flight attendant I needed a lavatory but I said laboratory instead, and that’s how I got strip searched at 35K feet.
[on my way back to the posting caves]
[Men’s Deodorant Scent]
Pure Swagger for 72 hours Steel Cage Match Wrestling a Half Man Half Crocodile like Creature[Women’s Deodorant Scent]
Lavender
H: Gross! Stop peeing in the shower!
Me: Why? Everybody pees in the shower.
H: Yeah but you’re not in it right now, I am.
marvel comics have peaked
[Hospital]
Me:How’s my dad?
Dr:I’m afraid he’s in critical condition*shout from inside room
“You’ve never lived to up to your potential!”
A joke is only funny if both of you are laughing.
*and other lies we tell our kids
Wife: I left the kids with you for a half hour & they dumped 3 pounds of sugar in the dryer trying to make cotton candy.
Me: Did it work?
Don’t explain my jokes to me. I don’t want to know what I mean.
*nothing on the kitchen table*
*nothing on the living room floor*
*nothing on the coffee table*
*nothing on the dining room table*
7yo: *builds 2,000-piece lego set at the bottom of the stairs*
[looking for our lost son in the mall]
ME: we should split up and find him
WIFE: *serves me with divorce papers*
*Goes to zoo to see the world’s oldest tortoise.
Guide: He’s over 200 years old. How cool is that?
*Tortoise says something racist.
What’s it called when you fall in love with your captors, even if they’re obnoxious little tyrants?
No, no, not Stockholm Syndrome.
Ah, yes… “parenting”
That’s the word.
Going to a baby shower and I’m real nervous, do they just kind of pour down on you? If you catch one do you have to keep it?
Thank you for clarifying that you’d bite me with your teeth, my mind was running wild with all the possible things you could bite me with.