@Mom_Overboard

Ludacris: put your money where your mouth is

CDC: please don’t

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@DaddyJew

[lunch break]

Gf: I have 30min

Me: you thinking what im thinking?

Gf: oh yea *starts undressing

Me: *googles closest laser tag location

@vvolfsz

The nominees are

Leonardo DiCaprio
Leonardo DiCaprio
Leonardo DiCaprio

And the winner is

*opens envelope*

mad max fury road

@Rollinintheseat

St. Patrick drove all the snakes out of Ireland. They gave him a great Uber rating.

@pmclellan

Somebody wrote “wash me” on my car. I’m so lazy, I just wrote “no” under it.

@DiamondLou69

Saw a sign that read “Free Coupons”.

What I want to know is what kind of terrorist would hold coupons captive in the first place?

@with_a_ph23

Do you ever eat an individual-sized bag of chips and wonder what kind of “individual” only eats seven chips?

@SabotagedSmoke

Tried to challenge the guy in the stall next to me to a thumb war, now he’s holding my hand & crying about his childhood.

I need to wipe.

@TheDeducers

*Me ordering food, wearing a new white shirt*
I’ll have whatever is the most splattery and red

@Home_Halfway

DATE: So, tell me about your job
ME: It’s dumb & boring
DATE: Oh
ME:
DATE:
ME: *starts eating date’s food* This is for asking a bad question