Gf: I have 30min
Me: you thinking what im thinking?
Gf: oh yea *starts undressing
Me: *googles closest laser tag location
Ludacris: put your money where your mouth is
CDC: please don’t
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The nominees are
And the winner is
mad max fury road
St. Patrick drove all the snakes out of Ireland. They gave him a great Uber rating.
Somebody wrote “wash me” on my car. I’m so lazy, I just wrote “no” under it.
I’m starting to think some of you might be taking marijuanas
Saw a sign that read “Free Coupons”.
What I want to know is what kind of terrorist would hold coupons captive in the first place?
Do you ever eat an individual-sized bag of chips and wonder what kind of “individual” only eats seven chips?
Tried to challenge the guy in the stall next to me to a thumb war, now he’s holding my hand & crying about his childhood.
I need to wipe.
*Me ordering food, wearing a new white shirt*
I’ll have whatever is the most splattery and red
DATE: So, tell me about your job
ME: It’s dumb & boring
ME: *starts eating date’s food* This is for asking a bad question