Luggage is like children. If you leave the airport with two out of three suitcases you did alright.

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He shouldn’t have died so young, but he also shouldn’t have cut the grass at 7:30 am on a Sunday. (I’m writing my neighbors obituary)


“Where was you at?”

I was probably not skipping English class.


I’ve started seeing a therapist, but my mom says that’s part of my hallucinations


“Can I get you to-”
“Great! Here it-”
“Don’t you want to-”

– Adam Sandler being handed a script


[someone kicks a dumpster out of anger]
ME (from inside): Who is it?


HER: Tell me what you want
ME: A sequel to Ratatouille
HER: No! Tell me what you want in bed
ME: Oh! *gets in bed* a sequel to Ratatouille


Tom Cruise still does his own stunts at 55 and I just pulled a muscle reaching for the toilet paper…


Funny prank: stay over at a friend’s house and die on their couch.


employee: over 100 ppl were killed by the dinosaurs again
CEO: my God
[10yrs later]
CEO: what if we made a dinosaur theme park again lmao


me: all I know is that to me, you look like you’re having fun, open up your lovin’ arms, watch out here I come

other kids: ok no, you’re not allowed to play red rover anymore