Luggage is like children. If you leave the airport with two out of three suitcases you did alright.
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ME: i’ve been feeling sick lately
FRIEND: maybe you should see a doctor
ME: *google image searches “doctor”* haha you’re right, they look awesome
At this point I’d just like to have my winter body back.
Her: How do you like your bacon?
Me: In bulk
superman: can i borrow 500 bucks?
batman:
superman:
batman:
superman: [sighs] can i batborrow 500 batbucks?
batman: yep
Are people who write “prolly” rather than “probably” just lazy, completely illiterate, or do they actually think that’s a word?
*wakes up in bed with horse’s head, hits snooze button*
*wife walks in*
*sees cheese balls everywhere*
*shakes head*“what? 8 won’t get better at catching food in his mouth if we don’t practice”
I’ll tell ya one thing, if I was a feudal lord giving a scoundrel some gold for an evil deed, I’d want the little leather bag back. Like obviously it feels cool to toss a little string-tied bag to a ruffian, you can’t throw loose coins. But my man, I’m gonna need that bag back.
*Receives good, solid, sound advice.
*Does exact opposite.
Pretty disappointed that the phrase “if looks could kill” is figurative
Hypnotist: you’re feeling very sleepy
Parents: omg yes
Films and television have led me to believe that masquerade balls have a higher mortality rate than most wars.
Dads are required to say PARDON ME when there’s a loud thunderclap
Dr: What are some of your hobbies?
“I like correcting factual inaccuracies in women’s jokes on Twitter”
Dr: (writing) Not sexually active.
Me: waiter, do you have frog legs?
Waiter: of course monsieur
Me: good, hop over there and get me a beer
[SPELLING BEE]
JUDGE: Bourgeoisie
ME: Really? W o w
JUDGE: *annoyed* Sir, the word is Bourgeoisie
ME:*clears throat* Eff – U – See – Kay – U
Meanwhile, at the White House… #matwh
My son has about 12 seconds to learn patience.
Yes sex is good but have you ever made someone super mad online and then go to sleep?
Hey! This is your home!
It’s kinda messy… but you’ll get use to that!-my 6yo, welcoming his new baby sister 😂😂💀
The bank refused to approve my loan without collateral so I reached into my purse and pulled out three avocados.
Cinco de Mayo means five of mayonnaise in Spanish.
Why are so many pills round? Try making some square so they don’t all roll away onto the floor and under the cabinets.
*First day as a forest ranger*
Me: *using radio* I found a badly mangled buck out here
Boss: That means there’s a bear nearby
Me: Yep *narrows eyes* and it hates money
One of the fake rooms at Ikea should just be a couple fighting as they try to put the furniture together
I had a friend who doesn’t care for sports sit & watch a basketball game & hes quiet for a bit & just barks out: “Yeah I dont think there are that many squeaks. They gotta be pumping em in”
That was over 10 yrs ago I havent watched a single game since without thinking of it
11.45: Arrived at crime scene
11.45: Examined body. Signs of a struggle
11.45: Found murder weapon in drain
11.45: Realised watch was broken
[gets on Facebook]
[types “you pushed me away but expected me to stay”]
[everyone nods, this is considered extremely good shit on there]
On your first day in prison, make sure you go up to the warden and compliment the décor.
“Is this your resume?”
Yes
“It just says you used to leave shit at your friends’ doors, ring the bell & run away?”
Yes
“Welcome to UPS!”