I don’t understand what you mean by ‘stop drinking so much’. How else will you know how much I love you at 2am every day?
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Why yes, person on the Internet, I would love to make $596 per day sitting at home. Let’s do this!!!
It doesn’t take long after becoming a parent to figure out why the people that wrote nursery rhymes sounded like they were drunk.
I normally don’t brag when I go to expensive places, but I just left the gas station..
Her: Well, I know I told you that.
Me: *closes eyes*
Her: What are you doing?
Me: Checking for it in my spam folder.
A good friend bails you out of jail, a best friend is sitting in the cell right next to you, a worst friend framed both of you for murder.
My husband ran for 30 minutes on the treadmill. He’s told every other person on earth and I didn’t want y’all to be out of the loop.
Splinter: my sons i have good news and bad news
Leonardo: what’s the good news
Splinter: after 16 years of training you are ready to leave the sewers
Raphael: what’s the bad news
Splinter: your shells have grown too big to fit thru the manhole
Waking up in my 20s: shoot I have a pimple
Waking up in my 30s: shoot I have unresolved trauma in my lower back
You come home early and catch the cat eating with a knife and fork at the table. You stare at each other unsure of the next move.
The dude at the airport parking lot turned on the heated steering wheel in our car we’ve owned for 2+ years and I have no idea how to turn it off. I didn’t even know we had a heated steering wheel.
Raising children takes a village, preferably one with many vineyards.
It says here on your resume that you’re “good at traps,” could you expand on that while I investigate this pile of leaves on the floor?
ME: On the one hand, I have this weird rash. And on the other hand
DATE: ??
ME: It’s on both hands, I should probably see a doctor
I guess writing “To Whom It May Concern” on the note of apology isn’t the wisest idea when your wife accuses you of being cold and impersonal.
Me: Sorry I’m late, I was trying to jump my wife’s car for like half an hour.
Boss: Need a new battery?
Me: No, I just think I need better shoes.
Shhhh, I am tracking a package so I need you to remain very quiet so you don’t scare it away
When I laugh on my period
Hubby just choked after he bit into a grape and it squirted down his throat….
Not as easy as it looks is it?
Yeah… My camera adds 30 pounds. But Photoshop takes it back off.
DATE: I want someone that is focused on their own personal growth
ME: [to the waiter] On second thought, I’ll have two lasagnas, this evening
this is the most terrifying thing a parent has ever made for their child
My old classmates said I look the same as I looked 25 years ago.
I still look like a dork y’all 🙈
AIR STEWARDESS [looks at ticket] just down that way
ME: You mean down the long thin tube with one walkway
A.S: Yes
ME: I’d be lost without u
A meth lab sounds like a terrible dog.
When a patron comes into the library the Saturday after Thanksgiving and asks “What’s the right way to cook a turkey,” I know I’m being asked not to provide practical information but rather to get involved in a heated family dispute
Trick-or-treating has been canceled, so this Halloween I will be giving out advice.
Websites really should skip the log in screen and just go straight to the reset password screen.
some things should go without saying
Yes I am the only parent at this basketball camp who snickered when the coach said during a drill ‘you need to pound it between each leg split.’
Hate it when I’m minding my own business and an unmarked van pulls up with a shady-looking bear offering cheap farm-fresh honey and next thing I know I’m lying bruised and bloody on the side of the road but I guess that’s what I get for carrying a picnic basket in broad daylight