Instead of taking melatonin just pay me to come to your home each night and I’ll tell you about my accounting job
Luigi: You got your own land, world & galaxy. Can I have Mario Mansion?
Mario: ok fine [under breath] gonna put a bunch of ghosts in it tho
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Woman: I love a man with an accent
Mán: Well hello there
I hope people who faint in public know that they’re making things super awkward for the rest of us.
[Going through customs]
Anything to declare, sir?
Sir, what are you–
3…4…I declare a thumb war!
Oh bring it on
My daughter asked me what it’s like to be a parent, so I woke her up from a nap just to say “hi.”
Superman and Batman probably had a lot of “capes in the toilet water” accidents when they went to take a dump.
Social media break? Is that when the WiFi is down?!
Why are middle school girls skipping the awkward stage & going straight to pretty? No no, you get braces &wear blue eyeshadow. Do your time.
God: you’re a fire ant.
Fire Ant: what does that mean?
God: when you bite something it burns like fire.
Fire Ant: [gasp] you mean I’m a dragon?
Fire Ant: i’m the teensiest dragon!