Luigi: You got your own land, world & galaxy. Can I have Mario Mansion?

Mario: ok fine [under breath] gonna put a bunch of ghosts in it tho

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Instead of taking melatonin just pay me to come to your home each night and I’ll tell you about my accounting job


I hope people who faint in public know that they’re making things super awkward for the rest of us.


[Going through customs]

Anything to declare, sir?


Sir, what are you–

3…4…I declare a thumb war!

Oh bring it on

*misses flight*


My daughter asked me what it’s like to be a parent, so I woke her up from a nap just to say “hi.”


Superman and Batman probably had a lot of “capes in the toilet water” accidents when they went to take a dump.


Why are middle school girls skipping the awkward stage & going straight to pretty? No no, you get braces &wear blue eyeshadow. Do your time.


God: you’re a fire ant.

Fire Ant: what does that mean?

God: when you bite something it burns like fire.

Fire Ant: [gasp] you mean I’m a dragon?

God: what-no.

Fire Ant: i’m the teensiest dragon!