@ShortSleeveSuit

LUKE: any weekend plans?

OTHER JEDI: I’m probably gonna do yoga

LUKE: omg I have to warn him

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@carlyken

A psychiatrist is just a friend you pay to listen to your problems because your other friends are tired of hearing about them.

@Aikiwomannc

Once I get this cortisone cream on it’s gonna be all over for you itches.

@smiles_and_nods

Google Maps: You are currently on the fastest route. Your arrival time is estimated at 2 hours 15 minutes.

*Prius pulls in front of me

Your arrival time is estimated at 6 hours 30 minutes.

@Dawn_M_

I only use shampoo that smells like raspberries so people don’t think it’s weird when I have jam in my hair.

@Brampersandon_

When I die I want my funeral to be closed casket but like half way thru someone opens the lid and surprise – it’s a nacho bar inside

@JimmerThatisAll

This day in history. 1634. The Irish House of Commons passed An Act for the Punishment for the Vice of Buggery, prodded so to speak to do so by Anglican bishop John Atherton who was later the first to be hanged for the crime.

@iwearaonesie

“They’re gray with gray stripes”

– me warning my dog about skunks

@itswrigley

I never did think of myself as beautiful, terribly attractive, yes, but not beautiful.

@mrjohndarby

ANGEL: Welcome to heaven, you can’t swear here

ME: Who’s gonna fubbin’ stop me?

ANGEL:

ME: Holy sheet