Luke: forgive me father for I have sinned
Darth Vader:
You Might Also Like
Doctor: Are you allergic to anything?
Me: Cats
Doctor: Anything else?
Me: Grease
Doctor: is that everything?
Me: Most musicals to be honest.
My dog doesn’t even understand what I’m doing when I air guitar solos to metal ballads but she dutifully holds up her lighter.
Me: Hey, look, I can’t stay long, I’ve got a cab downstairs.
Her: You took a cab?
Me: I’m gonna give it back!
My friends wife threatened to leave him over his Star Wars collectibles and I was like divorce is strong in this one.
[dinner time]
me: what would you like to stare at for twenty minutes and then throw away?
kids: whatever’s the most difficult to make
[creating the Octopus]
Angel: How about a spider in a wetsuit?
God: Weird but I like it. Make it edible.
“I hope this email finds you well”
The email finding me
If your cat brings home a dead bird and presents it to you, don’t be rude. Take a little bite.
Them: What would you do with a million dollars?
Me: Pay off student loans.
Them: And with the rest?
Me: lol “the rest.”
My son just turned an everything bagel into an everywhere bagel.
Waiter: would you like a lobster bib
Me: [imagining how tiny and cute that would be] obviously
“Paper or pl..”
..astic! OMG we finish each other’s sentences! You complete mmmm…
“I’m not saying ‘me'”
ME! OMG we did it again!
“…”
I wanted to tweet something but I think too many people would think I was 100% serious when I’m only like 87% serious.
Gonna celebrate this weekend by flinging hundreds of frisbees onto my neighbors roofs
My new coffee table book, “Accidental Screenshots,” is available for pre-order now.
If you love someone, set them free. If they come back with two police officers, you’ll know that setting them free was a bad idea.
I remember this one time I peed in the pool. The lifeguard yelled so loud I almost fell in.
advice: describing someone’s cupcakes as being “better than sex” is only a compliment if you aren’t sleeping with them
I’m experimenting with how many apples I need to eat a day to keep EVERYONE away, whatever their profession.
If you can read this, you’re standing too close to my iPhone!
Conversation between my mom and my 12 year old brother. I am in tears.
(grounding my kid) go outside.
I found an old set of stationary I ordered when I was 10 … will be using it for all future business correspondence
Parrots can live to be 75 years old *makes eye contact with parrot* …but not if they keep repeating the refrain to “Lime In the Coconut”
walked in on my grandma petting my dogs head whispering “you’re so lucky to be illiterate”
Life Hack: If you carry around a 14 inch kitchen knife, almost everything is free.
Whenever someone asks me “ what do your tattoos mean?” I just say “garlic bread” . The end.
If McDonalds wants to check my $10 bill for signs of counterfeit, I should be able to check their chicken for chicken.