Luke, I am your uncle.
Luke, I am your third cousin.
Luke, I am your grandmother.– Skywalker family reunion
You Might Also Like
4-year-old: What happens when you die?
Me: You go to heaven.
4: No, I mean when you die, do I get your stuff?
Mom: Cousin Julie works at Google
She marrying a doctor in JuneMe: I got 7 bags of Xmas candy at half price
Mom:-
Me:THAT’S LIKE 50% OFF
One time in like 2014, Lauren Conrad tweeted “What’s my favourite position? CEO.” And I remember thinking that she ate, I was like yeah, that’s my girl
Why bother drinking water? You’re just gonna pee it out. This is what Big Water doesn’t want you to know.
Man, the way these journalists are complaining it’s like they only went to Sochi to use doorknobs and go poop.
Give your child a name with a creative spelling so they can spend their life correcting people.
Stop telling people to cut toxic relationships out of their lives! I’m starting to run out of friends you guys.
“This soup is fantastic, I’ll have another please.”
Bartender: “Ma’am, that’s a martini”
Fun Fact: The one thing that married couples always agree on is that most fights are started by their spouse.
no one in the history of the world has ever been less interested in making grand proclamations than I
Hot pies in your area want you to snatch them off the windowsill
“Go on, fake throw the ball again, Phil. I dare you.”
Parents be like “i don’t have a favorite child” then use one of your siblings birth dates as a password
Kid 1: Hurt my elbow
School Nurse: Here’s an ice packK2: *fever*
SN: Ice packK3: *diarrhea*
SN: Ice packK4: *decapitated*
SN: Ice pack
figure skating was invented in 1947 when a box of sequins collided with two knives
Dear Televised Sports Injury,
We saw it the first time.
Thanks.
My wife thinks that I don’t care for her relatives.
I told her that’s not true. I love her mother-in-law more than I love mine.
hear me out, a safari park full of giraffes called giraffe’ic park
The way I see it, the only thing my daughter’s little “boyfriend” needs to know about me is I ain’t afraid to go back to prison.
Thanks to a fan for this one.
Guess who’s going to finally get their shit together in 2022?
Not me. But God speed, whoever you are.
I made a joke about how sweet it is that twenty men I don’t know dm me to ask me how I’m doing and this old dude commented “only 20? Out of 33k?” And like damn that hurt. The rest of you 32,980 better pony up or this old dude is gonna know I’m not sexy 😭
Friend: How’s the wine?
Me: It’s exCHARDONNARY—
Friend: *taking my glass away* No.
[SETI receives extraterrestrial signal from 95 light years away]
[scientist decodes message in the signal]
“enough…with…the…Harambe…jokes”
Me: You can say coffee mug or coffee cup and both are acceptable but if you say tea mug people get all weird
English friend: If you say tea mug again I won’t be responsible for my actions
If you tell me you’re giving something 110% then I’m assuming the extra 10% is your stupidity.
neurosurgeon: *removes my brain to blow on it and put it back in*
ignore the news reports that say bees have learned how to use the internet. they are lies. bees sting us because they love us. bees are safe inside our warm homes. a bee did not write this
[After 20 min at your house]
I used all your toilet paper
“Check in the cabine-”
All of it
“We have more in the gar-”
All of it all of it
Was shocked last week when my son said he’s getting married to a girl in his class.
Yesterday he won a running race agaisnt her and the wedding is probably off now
Being 6 is rough man!