Luke is so old now he just uses the Force to keep the neighborhood kids off his lawn
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On the third date, I like to buy the girl a really big meal so she’s already used to not finishing
My dog barked at the thunder & as a joke I barked a gentle “woof” back & he looked startled. Now I’m worried about what I said to him.
I’m hiring a motivational speaker for my lazy eye.
My husband said I need a scary costume for Halloween this year, so I’m dressing up as a Positive Pregnancy Test.
I’m withholding sex from my wife right now but she won’t realize it for 6 to 8 weeks.
“Your dad and I are leaving for dinner now.”
Two seconds later:
wife: what’s the house of your dreams?
me: fireplace in each room. and there’s a bear walking around and it only speaks spanish. also the floor is quicksand.
wife:
me:
wife:
me: oh you mean like a house i wish we lived in.
If you need a smile today, here’s a wonderful outtake with Robin Williams and Elmo 😂❤️
Failed my wasp collection exam. Got a bee.
Me as a therapist: omg same
Growing up was certainly the stupidest idea I had as a child.
verbiage sounds like something you’re not getting enough of in your diet
[Hardware store]
ME: I’ll take one of those giant forks.
WORKER: That’s a rake.
ME: I’m gonna eat so much spaghetti with that thing.
Stop saying “start a family” when you mean “have kids”. A couple is still a family. A single person and her cat is a family. A couple and their plants are still a family. Three weirdly close roommates could be a family. You don’t need kids to be a family.
ME: Is there a ghost in here?
{everything shakes, dishes shatter in kitchen, books fall off shelves}
Ouija Board: {slides to no}
ME: phew
the twelve days of christmas is completely unrealistic there is no way that you’re still accepting gifts from someone after four days of birds
My youngest has been banging on about “prank week” and has been royally pranking us all day.
Little does she know, her father is the prank master
Both of them panicking now, the bonus is that their sadness has brought a hush into the house.
[on Shark Tank]
me: I believe you’ve misheard me –I said “nonstick PANTS”
Unreliable eye witness testimony is the reason chameleons are nature’s most elusive and successful serial killers.
Boy: *Kissing girl on couch* You wanna take this upstairs?
Girl: Hehe sure baby
Boy: Sweet! Grab the other end, I can’t carry it by myself
Now that I am a parent I am confident that the reason my parents had to “check my Halloween candy” was NOT because of razor blades and drugs.
Googled my symptoms and turns out I should have taken the cake out the oven 17 minutes ago
If you look to me for any advice, what comes next, as well as any subsequent jail time, is on you.
Amazon Prime would be a good title for a Wonder Woman movie.
Doctor: I’m sorry, but your Dad’s in a coma.
Teen: Huh?
Doctor: He’s in airplane mode now.
Teen: OHHH NOOOOO!!
Me: I’m in such a happy mood right now!
Female reproductive system: Hold my beer
I follow ripped guys around the grocery store and just buy what they buy
gf: you should learn from your mistakes
me: ok! so teach me
I wish the dude that jogs around my neighborhood all day would wear a Super Mario costume. And occasionally duck into sewers.
Right before you die, maybe yell out something funny, like “hi God- wait a minute, YOU’RE NOT GOD”