luke, thats a persons name. whys everybodys star wars name gotta be like, hoobie doodoo or seb neb or something
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‘Your legs, your thighs, they got me hypnotized’
~me talking to my KFC
My wife said she enjoys my singing voice so I always sing “We Are The Champions” whenever I win at sex.
All I’m saying is never trust a towel that’s not hanging in it’s normal place when you get out of the shower…
If you don’t kiss the one ring, Fredo will throw you in the fires on top of Old Smokey
*uneasily answers phone
‘Guess who?’
David?
‘No’
John?
‘No’
Mike?
‘No’
Steve?
‘No, I made you very happy the other night’
Haagen Daz?
‘NO’
Pizza Hut?
5: You guys picked me and 3 as your kids because we’re so good. You could have picked the bad kids that other parents chose.
Me to H: [whispers] Should we tell her that if we could have picked we would have chosen better kids than her and 3?
[her thinking to herself in the restaurant] he seems nice and normal
[me thinking to myself] she let the waiter twist her pepper 8 twists??
Gonna start posting empty plates on Instagram with the caption “this was really good”
Instead of a promise ring, I wear an onion ring
I’m saving my appetite for something pure
*sets the mood with candlelight, flowers and the pepto bismol jingle
Bike is short for Bichael.
Pilot: welcome aboard
Fighter pilot: [right hook]
You don’t have to tell me twice because I don’t listen either time.
I flossed the egg out of my teeth for this?
INTERVIEWER: Why did you leave your previous job?
ME: Because once they fire you they won’t let you stay.
4 out of 5 fire departments recommend I get takeout.
I remember a simpler time when squirrels didn’t jump up on your picnic table and try to muscle you off your poutine.
[opening day at fast food place]
manager: all the orders in?
employee: yes.
manager: the electrical all set?
employee: yes.
manager: and the chairs. do they grate loudly against the floors?
employee: yes.
manager: perfect. we’re ready.
“You knew what you were getting into when you had children”
Did I? Did I know that I’d be arguing with a 4yo that we don’t lick peoples feet? DID I KNOW THAT?
[cashier slapping the Cool Ranch chips out of my hand]: Oh no you don’t, nerd
My wife just asked me why she came home to find marinara sauce all over our sleeping baby’s head. Sorry babe, I’M NOT A DETECTIVE.
doctor: i have your blood test here
me: and?
doctor: you failed
Not to brag, but I remember to take the cap off of a water bottle 75% of the time before taking a drink.
Be nice to me or I will rain down Hell upon you when I start my blog.
Cop cars aren’t very intimidating. Add a crazy plow covered in blood, an anarchy symbol and spinning saw blades and I’ll stop in a heartbeat
I love the smell of my shampoo. Except when it’s coming from my suitcase.
I recycle jokes because I care about the environment, Samantha.
Our new dog has her first training class today where she will hopefully learn to stop dislocating my shoulder when she sees a squirrel on our walks.
Why did Yogi Bear only have a collar and a tie, and not a full dress shirt?
*Patiently waits as you all Google pics of Yogi Bear*
COP: PUT YOUR HANDS UP
OCTOPUS: They’re tentacles
COP: OK PUT ALL 8 TENTACLES UP
OCTOPUS: Two are my legs, dude
COP: Just go. I give up.