The girl next door looks over at me, then her phone, then makes a disgusted look on her face.
I think she’s just found my twitter account
luke: *tips hat* waterwalker
jesus: *tips hat* skywalker
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Marital Law & Martial Law while look similar have very different meanings…
.. Except at my house.
me: so there’s nothing you can do to help?
doctor: no, you’re just going to have to live with it I’m afraid
me: [takes baby] ugh fine
Yes he’s financially stable & hasn’t been to jail for domestic violence like the other guy but I can change the other guy wait & see – Women
Being a parent is kind of like being a Scooby Doo villain. I would’ve gotten away with so many things if it weren’t for these meddling kids.
[DOG MAGICIAN] think of a color, any color…is it…gray?
[OTHER DOG] oh my GOD
If my phone is so “smart” how come it keeps letting me drunk dial my ex
Sure boss, I’d love to take on some extra work, I have like 7-8 free hours a night where all I do is sleep anyway.
Pictionary is the perfect game to play whenever you need an excuse to punch your friend in the face.