luke: *tips hat* waterwalker
jesus: *tips hat* skywalker

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The girl next door looks over at me, then her phone, then makes a disgusted look on her face.

I think she’s just found my twitter account


Walk up to a girl, sniff her hair, and whisper “Perfect. Master will love you.” This is a great way to increase your tolerance to Mace…


Marital Law & Martial Law while look similar have very different meanings…

.. Except at my house.


me: so there’s nothing you can do to help?
doctor: no, you’re just going to have to live with it I’m afraid
me: [takes baby] ugh fine


Yes he’s financially stable & hasn’t been to jail for domestic violence like the other guy but I can change the other guy wait & see – Women


Being a parent is kind of like being a Scooby Doo villain. I would’ve gotten away with so many things if it weren’t for these meddling kids.


[DOG MAGICIAN] think of a color, any color…is it…gray?


If my phone is so “smart” how come it keeps letting me drunk dial my ex


Sure boss, I’d love to take on some extra work, I have like 7-8 free hours a night where all I do is sleep anyway.


Pictionary is the perfect game to play whenever you need an excuse to punch your friend in the face.