luke: yoda, i wish for…….. your freedom
yoda: i’m not a genie. i’m a person like you. i just look really weird

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How long does a guest have to overstay before you can claim them on your taxes?


9 out of 10 times, if you call the 1-800 number printed on a consumer product, the person who answers won’t tell you what they’re wearing.


As new head of Westboro Baptist Church, I’m expanding who God hates. To start: delivery guys, vegetarians, and people who do Sudoku.


[job interview]

What’s ur greatest strength?

“I wear too much cologne”

No, I mean-

“A lady legit passed out when I got in the elevator”


“Two messages, Sir. First, your tea has run out”
“Correct English is ‘you’ve run out of tea’. What else?”
“You’ve walked out of wife”


Trump has so many failed businesses, if he wanted to shut down abortion clinics, he should have just put his name on one


I just lifted a couch to retrieve a Skittle that fell underneath it, so I get you Moms that lift cars to rescue children, I get you.


For just $28,000, I will teach any politician or politician’s wife to wave like a normal human being.


I accidentally called it an eternity scarf instead of an infinity scarf and now I have to drink my Starbucks outside.