@jon_snow_420

luke: yoda, i wish for…….. your freedom
yoda: i’m not a genie. i’m a person like you. i just look really weird

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@MichaelGoffLA

How long does a guest have to overstay before you can claim them on your taxes?

@WilliamAder

9 out of 10 times, if you call the 1-800 number printed on a consumer product, the person who answers won’t tell you what they’re wearing.

@michaelianblack

As new head of Westboro Baptist Church, I’m expanding who God hates. To start: delivery guys, vegetarians, and people who do Sudoku.

@Reverend_Scott

[job interview]

What’s ur greatest strength?

“I wear too much cologne”

No, I mean-

“A lady legit passed out when I got in the elevator”

@ItsAndyRyan

“Two messages, Sir. First, your tea has run out”
“Correct English is ‘you’ve run out of tea’. What else?”
“You’ve walked out of wife”

@AlcoholAndTacos

Trump has so many failed businesses, if he wanted to shut down abortion clinics, he should have just put his name on one

@mrtruthandsoul

I just lifted a couch to retrieve a Skittle that fell underneath it, so I get you Moms that lift cars to rescue children, I get you.

@juliussharpe

For just $28,000, I will teach any politician or politician’s wife to wave like a normal human being.

@simoncholland

I accidentally called it an eternity scarf instead of an infinity scarf and now I have to drink my Starbucks outside.