[lumberjack interview]
BOSS: I’m gonna “axe” you a few questions. Haha do you get it?
ME: Yeah I “saw” that coming
BOSS: Ooo welcome aboard!
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Honestly the only reason I had more than one kid was so one day they’d be able to push each other on the swings. That shit is exhausting.
Me, passing on the wisdom of my ancestors to my kids: It’s “righty tighty, lefty loosey.”
*Shakespeare resetting his password*
“Enter new password.”
Fortnight
“Your password is two weeks.”
Marriage Counselor: Maybe you should change your responses to the things your wife says.
Me: Fine, I can do that.*two days later*
Her: Do these jeans make me look fat?
Me: Yep.
Diarrhea awareness week starts today. Runs through Sunday.
Why do men named Bartholomew go by Bart when they could go by Mew?
*Emerging from a ten year coma*
Dad: Well look who finally got up
this is literally a CIA plant
Okay, I’ll bite, what is “the Beatles”
Me: I can’t get this damn sports bra on!
Him:
Me:
Him: that’s a plastic produce bag
Me: I FOUND IT IN THE MELON SECTION!
CABLE COMPANY: Someone will be there between 6:30 am and 9:45 pm.
ME: That’s pretty vague.
CC: Oh, sorry. It’ll be a cable TV installer.
Today I threw away an empty Amazon box that’s been sitting on the floor for two weeks, so that means tomorrow I’ll have a need for that box.
Look, woman, I’ll do laundry when I’m out of clean clothes. *puts on skirt* I didn’t say whose clothes.
Sex so good your binoculars fog up.
People who say losing weight is “just math” clearly have no idea how far out of my way I go to avoid math.
Am I capable of premeditated murder?
Your honor, I’ve been planning my cheat day for two weeks.
Jesus: Honor my sacrifice by refusing meat on all holy days and each Friday.
John the fisherman: *slides Jesus $20*
Jesus: Also, Fish isn’t meat.
Yes I’m still watching, Netflix, and it’s not like you don’t have things to be ashamed of.
We’re out of milk.
Eh, kids can drink water.We’re out of bread.
PB&J on hot dog buns it is!We’re out of coffee.
WHAT. Get my keys.
Sometimes I treat my depression, but other times we go dutch.
If you have 6+ numbers after your name as part of your Twitter handle I can only assume you’re an inmate & tweeting from prison.
before puppy: ‘i’ma jump in the shower’
after puppy: ‘i’ma jump in the oven’
That moment when you mom says she was a virgin, but then 3 random dudes show up on your birthday with gifts.
Me: Porcelain. Earthenware. Stoneware. Ball Clay.
Wife: What are you doing?
Me: Reciting pottery.
Taking a road trip with my toddler made me realize that I do in fact negotiate with terrorists.
everyone picked up a quirky new habit during the plague i started blaming the sun for everything
My dad, a pilot rescued on French soil, behind a hidden wall panel with 8 Jewish children as the Nazis search, quietly opens a bag of chips
I use a wheelchair. Whenever I’m at a job interview and they ask me if I can sit for long periods of time, I want to say “Like a champion.”
When children, who are hoping for your death so one of them can claim your throne, bring you brekkie in bed, don’t eat it. #FathersDay