@DaddyJew

[lunch break]

Gf: I have 30min

Me: you thinking what im thinking?

Gf: oh yea *starts undressing

Me: *googles closest laser tag location

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@geowizzacist

(Treehouse)

Me: *picks up empty tin can, places it to ear*

Voice at other end: Hello we’re conducting a quick survey.

@4Anno

I guess I prefer Subway because they make me feel like I’m making the healthy decision when I order a loaf of bread with 18 meatballs on it.

@Marlebean

No, I’m not participating in movember, I’m just Italian.

@DanMentos

“What’s the deal with palm trees?”
What are you doing?
“You said do tropical humor”
Topical. I said topical.
“What’s the deal with ointment”

@mattZillaaaa

My bank called me for suspicious activity on my account & I was like “no, I went out last night”

@briancthayer

[3 days into dieting]

*sees ad for burger & fries*

*drowns in his own saliva*

@TheCatWhisprer

[cats at shelter]

Where’s Frank?

“Got adopted 3 weeks ago. Gone soft too. Healthcare plan. Hypoallergenic blanket. Goes by Mr. Boots now.”

@Reverend_Scott

Iron Man: I’ll hack into their security.

Hulk: HULK SMASH DOOR!

Thor: I’ll silence their guards.

Captain America: What’s a microwave?

@batkaren

The home invasion ruined us. We never stood a chance against the houses.