[lunch break]

Gf: I have 30min

Me: you thinking what im thinking?

Gf: oh yea *starts undressing

Me: *googles closest laser tag location

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Me: *picks up empty tin can, places it to ear*

Voice at other end: Hello we’re conducting a quick survey.


I guess I prefer Subway because they make me feel like I’m making the healthy decision when I order a loaf of bread with 18 meatballs on it.


No, I’m not participating in movember, I’m just Italian.


“What’s the deal with palm trees?”
What are you doing?
“You said do tropical humor”
Topical. I said topical.
“What’s the deal with ointment”


My bank called me for suspicious activity on my account & I was like “no, I went out last night”


[3 days into dieting]

*sees ad for burger & fries*

*drowns in his own saliva*


[cats at shelter]

Where’s Frank?

“Got adopted 3 weeks ago. Gone soft too. Healthcare plan. Hypoallergenic blanket. Goes by Mr. Boots now.”


Iron Man: I’ll hack into their security.


Thor: I’ll silence their guards.

Captain America: What’s a microwave?


The home invasion ruined us. We never stood a chance against the houses.