[lunch date]
“I’ll have a salad.”
Narrator: Ursula then returns home and eats Fritos, Cool Whip and what appears to be leftover meatloaf.
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[right after sex]
Me: so that was uhh-
The Flash: I KNOW OKAY?!
Me: whale sharks should really pick a lane ya know
Aquarium guide: let’s focus on finding your kid
HER: I can’t be with a guy who thinks he’s Optimus Prime
ME: I can change Becky
HER: promise?
ME: into a semi truck
terrifying if it really happened:
the kiss emoji with the heart coming out of the mouth
Doctor said I need to eat more salad.
Podcasters who eat while recording: why do you hate your audience?
what kind of monster rides a horse through a desert and doesn’t have the decency to give the horse a name
3 just stopped what she was doing looked at the sky and said ‘something’s coming’ in case you thought you were going to sleep tonight
Him: Look at the poodle I got for my wife!
Me: That’s a pretty good trade…
Beast: This castle is your home now, so you can go anywhere you like, except the West Wing.
Me: Okay, but is that right or left?
Guy asked me where I got my green eyes. Great! Now I have to explain what the Vikings did when they got to Sicily.
My hot friend: I’ve been alternating CrossFit, yoga and running.
Me: I hear you. I have a mild cough so my abs have been sore for two days.
ME: [putting a condom on]
HER: it doesn’t go on me
“Daddy?”
“Yes?”
“What are you doing?”
“Writing a fictional conversation so I can post it on Twitter.”
SOCIETY: if it’s sent by car let’s call it a shipment
ME: what if it’s sent by ship?
SOCIETY: we’ll call that cargo
my husband pointed out that i “do a little shoulder dance” when i’m eating a good meal, and with a growing sense of horror, i consider the many amazing meals i’ve eaten with colleagues and bosses…
My dog and I are just drivin around, listenin to music and OMG DOG DO YOU EVEN HAVE A LICENSE? PAWS AT 10 AND 2. DO NOT FOLLOW THAT SQUIRREL
I argued otherwise, but the shoe inserts ended up improving my posture, so I stand corrected.
I don’t think humans are capable of sounding more disgusting than when they are being rude to their mothers or singing along to Mariah Carey
Muffled whimpers, moaning, panting…
…it’s just me, taking the stairs
“If you want to lose weight eat in front of a mirror, nude”. Tried it. All I saw was a happy naked woman eating cheese.
Netflix just asked me “Are you really going to eat that too?”
[During surgery]
DR DOG: Suction please.
NURSE: But there’s no bleeding.
DR DOG: I know *drooling* but just look at that liver!
My horny ass could NOT have a banana cleaner 😭
My 3yo instructed me to be the monster at the park but just as I was about to grab her she shouted “hey monster, it’s lunch time!” so I’m super impressed with her survival skills
I won a cozy blanket at work today and pissed off a lot of people. It was awesome.
The wife always talks to herself in the shower. She says that’s how she plans her day.
Don’t like eavesdropping. Just wanna make sure she’s not leaving us.
Googled how to seduce a guy and Google replied – girl if you have to ask it ain’t gonna happen.
People who end their sentences with Latin abbreviations usually don’t know what they’re talking about et al.
A pizza bagel is two foods that were just fine on their own but got sat on in a lunch bag.