me: [searching for the will to live]
will: I have a girlfriend
“Our office attire is formal, is that ok?”
*I adjust my tie and the little tie on my corndog*
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If you post a selfie that says “because some of you asked for a new one” I want to see screenshots of where they said that.
INTERVIEWER: what accomplishments are you most proud of?
ME: lemme stop you right there, you seem to be operating under the assumption that i’ve had accomplishments
Excuse me ma’am, would you mind opening your bag?
I beg your pardon?!
OPEN YOUR BAG
*opens bag and reveals two penguins*
Fact: If you eat a slice of pizza fast enough, your body won’t understand how many calories are in it.
Sorry I threw your baby but there was a spider on her.
The good news is, it turns out there is literally nothing we can say here that will ruin our chances at a political career.
WORK TIP: If a coworker doesn’t answer your email in the first five minutes, show initiative by sending a follow up email saying, “What’s your problem?”
“Well-behaved women seldom make history,” I quietly say as I don’t wait the full 10 minutes for the oven to preheat.