[LUNCH INTERVIEW]
“Our office attire is formal, is that ok?”
*I adjust my tie and the little tie on my corndog*
Sure.
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I’d rather take a bullet for my son than cover for him when mom asks who left the dirty dishes in the sink…
When people don’t drink coffee, it’s like ok but how do you solve the problem of being awake??
“murder” she wrote
“your password must contain at least one number and one upper case letter” the screen said
“murd3R” she wrote, frowning
*a caveman walking along a trail sees another set of footprints. he stops & shakes his head*
the traffic has gotten so bad here.
This guy at work always looks down my blouse. So im going to put a piece of popcorn in there to see if he points it out.
I am on a diet. This is just my cheat decade
I just saw a woman on here that had looking for a faithful man in her bio. Looks like you’ve come to the right place
Wife: I told you to dress our daughter in her purple shirt.
Me: I did.
Wife: That’s mauve.
I hate it when she makes up words.
Friend: *finger guns*
Me: *looks down at finger knives* oh no
Sun Tzu: to beat your enemy you must become your enemy
Me [overweight; hungover; eating breakfast ice cream]: way ahead of you
*pops kid’s balloon*
*kid cries and runs away*
*picks up kid’s cake*
Husband: wtf is wrong with you?
Me: his piece was bigger!!
I used to brag that my dad worked in the food court.
I thought he was a food lawyer. Shoulda wondered why a lawyer would wear a sbarro shirt
[First ever date]
ME: I just didn’t feel a spark
CAVEWOMAN: a what?
I picked the wrong week to start my high altitude balloon tours
all I wanna do is
[gunshot noise]
[gunshot noise]
[gunshot noise]
[gunshot noise]
[gunshot noise]
move to a safer neighborhood
Hey men, we women love it when you hit us up out of the blue for sex. I mean really, I’ve been waiting for this day for a year, Josh.
WIFE: Where are the groceries?
ME: Bacon was on sale.
WIFE: Oh god, what does that mean?
*sound of dump truck backing into driveway*
Outfit choices
Work: jeans & a t-shirt
Hanging out: jeans & a t-shirt
Special event: jeans & a t-shirt
Stalking your ex: jeans & a t-shirt
Having a nice lunch: jeans & a t-shirt
Doctor appt: khakis & a nice shirt so you appear to have it together
okay but exactly how dangerous are these ducks?
How it started How it’s going
All my evil plans start with someone slipping on a meticulously placed banana peel.
“How are you single?”
you about to find out, just hang tight lmaoo
“See, you’ve clearly never had good mashed potatoes. You’ve got to add butter, salt, garlic, $300 of bitcoin, gravy, a crab leg dipped in butter sauce, chives, tickets to a Rams game, and a light sprinkling of parmesan and then you’ll understand how amazing they are.”
breaking: earthling wins 70th consecutive miss universe title
Delightful if true: booby trap.
my allegiance to alligators is based on a gut feeling. you see, the crocodile deliberately looks like he wants me dead, and as soon as possible. the alligator appears to give less of a shit, generally. so i’m like, sure, that’s something we can deal with. that’s a starting point
I drove past the prison and saw a small man climbing down a wall.
I thought, well that’s a little condescending.
*brushes teeth for seventeen hours straight before dentist appointment*
“Jessica, there is an entire Oreo behind your second molar.”
That was the most exciting race between two stationary vehicles I have ever seen. #GreaseLive