“Our office attire is formal, is that ok?”
*I adjust my tie and the little tie on my corndog*

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If you post a selfie that says “because some of you asked for a new one” I want to see screenshots of where they said that.


INTERVIEWER: what accomplishments are you most proud of?

ME: lemme stop you right there, you seem to be operating under the assumption that i’ve had accomplishments


[aquarium exit]

Excuse me ma’am, would you mind opening your bag?

I beg your pardon?!


*opens bag and reveals two penguins*


Fact: If you eat a slice of pizza fast enough, your body won’t understand how many calories are in it.


The good news is, it turns out there is literally nothing we can say here that will ruin our chances at a political career.


WORK TIP: If a coworker doesn’t answer your email in the first five minutes, show initiative by sending a follow up email saying, “What’s your problem?”


“Well-behaved women seldom make history,” I quietly say as I don’t wait the full 10 minutes for the oven to preheat.