@underfleeker

[LUNCH INTERVIEW]
“Our office attire is formal, is that ok?”
*I adjust my tie and the little tie on my corndog*
Sure.

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@Neauxpe

If you post a selfie that says “because some of you asked for a new one” I want to see screenshots of where they said that.

@ohpegah

INTERVIEWER: what accomplishments are you most proud of?

ME: lemme stop you right there, you seem to be operating under the assumption that i’ve had accomplishments

@3sunzzz

[aquarium exit]

Excuse me ma’am, would you mind opening your bag?

I beg your pardon?!

OPEN YOUR BAG

*opens bag and reveals two penguins*

@trevso_electric

Fact: If you eat a slice of pizza fast enough, your body won’t understand how many calories are in it.

@LurkAtHomeMom

The good news is, it turns out there is literally nothing we can say here that will ruin our chances at a political career.

@Home_Halfway

WORK TIP: If a coworker doesn’t answer your email in the first five minutes, show initiative by sending a follow up email saying, “What’s your problem?”

@AbbyHasIssues

“Well-behaved women seldom make history,” I quietly say as I don’t wait the full 10 minutes for the oven to preheat.