Lunch lasagna special on a round plate: $12.99
Lunch lasagna special on a square plate: $1,739.99
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Be kind to everyone you meet for you never know who got woken up at 3:20am by a kid who was “just not tired”.
[8 eating some chips]
8: Can I eat the whole bag?
Me: No, just the chips that are inside
“Are you the one who multiplies fishes?”
Sorry kids, if Santa were real he’d have a podcast by now
me: [whispers] “don’t tell my wife i made bacon in the toaster”
my wife: [getting out car] “what the hell happened?!”
all 6 firemen: “he made bacon in the toaster”
You know you’re a real a&&**** when you go in for a colonoscopy and come out with a sore throat.
Instead of a pre-workout protein shake I have mashed potatoes and gravy, and instead of working out I have mashed potatoes and gravy.
One day, I hope to give someone a small, very personal item and then gently close their fingers over it
Me: I was only protecting the kids from learning too early that their parents are fallible
Her: *packing away Monopoly* That’s still no excuse for stealing from the bank
I am only drinking 2 beers tonight, but in dog beers.
I love using food in the bedroom!
But, when it comes to wearing a condiment…
I mayo may not.
Death: I’m coming for you.
Me: Oh, no thank you, I’m not interested.
Death: Lol, k.
Death: A lot of other people want me to come for them.
Death: You’re not even that hot.
Me: *dies*
My kids: *taking out Ouija board*
H-I
M-O-M
W-H-A-T
A-R-E
Y-O-U
M-A-K-I-N-G
F-O-R
D-I-N-N-E-R?
I have the confidence of a bald headed eagle, and the shy modesty of his distant relative the combover falcon.
Opened a bag of turkey jerky that smelled kinda weird but ate one anyway and when I looked at the package I realized I accidentally bought dog treats. Still pretty good tho
Lol
Me: I don’t think I can handle any more stress or challenges in my life.
Universe: Hold my beer.
A hexagon is what Mario says when he frees himself from a curse
#FF @funTweeters. They’re the crazies, I tell ya! #humor
there are few problems in life that can’t be solved by being presented with new and even bigger problems 🎭
Having a toddler is like harboring a bipolar, schizophrenic, incontinent, adorable, tiny dictator.
Ohh, no thanks. I have seen a baby before
No One Puts Baby in the Corner: A Feng Shui Guide to Nurseries
no regrets
*pulls home cooked meal out of oven*
*family awkwardly stares at me*
Yup, this is definitely not my house.
Imagine if dogs giggled when you tickled them.
are those your eyebrows, or did you headbutt a box of Sharpies
Laughter is the best medicine……..unless you have Morphine. Then Morphine is the best medicine.
Trainer: What kind of shape would you say your body is in?
Me: Butternut Squash