Lunch. Meeting. Sure, let’s ruin both at once.
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Sir, would you like to upgrade your $7 small popcorn to a large and get a soft drink for an additional $1200?
Him: Who sings American Woman?
Me: Guess Who.
Him: Lenny Kravitz?
Me: Guess Who did it first.
Him: I don’t know.
Me: Guess Who.
Him: …
I beat my personal best for competitive eating today, scoffing 34 hot dogs, including buns in under 15 minutes.
I don’t suppose I’ll be invited to any more of next doors’ BBQs, however.
The worst part about breaking up right before Halloween is now I have to explain at every party why I’m dressed as half of a horse.
Noah’s wife: the ark is falling apart
Noah: glue might work, I have an idea
Horse: it’s weird he brought 3 of us
[hell]
Me: Why am I here?
Devil: You told people you’d say hi to other people 3,789 times but only did it 4 times.
Me: OK that’s fair.
I made a huge to do list for today. I just can’t figure out who’s going to do it.
give a man a fish and he’ll eat for a day.
give a fish a man and it’s Jaws.
Got a new mouse! Cut his tail off by mistake! 🙄
If I’m ever in jail my one call is going to be to the Koolaid guy.
The question is not “Why is Instagram not working?”, but “Why does the world need another picture of you?” #instagramnotworking
[friend consoling me through bad break up]
“You need to eat, Luke. You can’t just sit there”
*i start crying more*
Karen & I used to eat
Put together a list of the PROS and CONS of pizza for those of you who are on the fence!
Welcome to middle age.
Don’t bother looking at the weather forecast; your joints will let you know when it’s going to rain.
When you’re on a date that’s not going well, just start talking about genital psoriasis.
You’re welcome.
if you went to a thousand costume parties you would never see anything greater than this
ME: Can you stop the car here? I wanna pet the dogs at that animal shelter.
ARRESTING OFFICER: No.
[swimming]
friend: shark!
me: relax, you’re more likely to be killed by a bus than killed than by a shark
shark: *driving out of control bus into the ocean*
me: well I’ll be damned
Before the “accident” they were Duran Duran Duran
Cop: Sir…
I know, I know. Why is my dog dri-
Cop: WHY IS YOUR DOG DRIVING
I threw the ball too far during fetch
Cop: Fair enough
We have a ghost. Came home and found the fridge magnets rearranged: “I see dreadful people.”
Smokey the Bear is 100% what kept me from starting forest fires
[after meditating]: I’m still angry, but in a calmer way
If you gotta turn on the oven for nachos you might as well make a cake too. It’s in the bible, I think.
Told my boss at work I had three companies looking at me and asked for a raise, so of course out of curiosity she asked me which three companies.
Managing to keep a straight face I told her Gas, Water, and Electric.
Just as the prophecy foretold
I implanted a voice-modulating chip in my neighbor’s chihuahua, so now, whenever he barks, it sounds like the sax riff from Careless Whispers. So soothing.
I don’t want well-wishes for international women’s day, I want a dragon.
“Anybody got any change?”
My body tenses as I whisper to my little zippered coin purse, “It’s go time.”
ME: *trying to highlight text*
WORD: and the last letter of previous word?
ME: no, why? just follow my cursor
WORD: ok so just half this word?
ME: the whole word
WORD: k
ME: wtf
WORD: oops
ME: the word is gone
WORD: the word is gone