Roses are red
Violets are blue
Stop clicking your pen when you talk to me Kevin
I swear I will murder your face with my tape dispenser
Lunch. Meeting. Sure, let’s ruin both at once.
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Meet George Jetson
His Boy Elroy
Jane his wife
Just kidding, obviously. I’ll send the real lyrics tomorrow. Do not use these.
Her : I like you
Me : You’re mistaken
I don’t care who dies in the movie but it better not be the dog.
[ first date ]
Me. Do you take drugs?
Him. I never touch them.
Me. Perfect. Can I have a urine sample?
[cutting through Brazilian jungle]
*finds indigenous village*
Hi, I’m a Prime member.
I’d like to complain that my shipping took three days.
*BUSTS DOWN DOOR*
*Fires off jokes*
*Kidnappers helpless in laughter*
“..and that’s how your granpappy saved baby Jesus.”
– Me, someday
Elephant: wow I’m huge, what do I eat?
God: *remembering Mr. Peanut breaking up with him over text*
God: all of them
Dear McDonald’s, Thank you for not selling hot dogs. I don’t think I could order a McWiener with a straight face.
Me(being handcuffed): Oh, now it’s illegal to throw a house warming party?
Cop: For the last time, it’s called arson.