Lunchables™? huge waste of money! I have my kids mill their own wheat then hunt, kill & field strip a wild bologna

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Worst thing about smoking marijuana nightly is the strong desire to also smoke it morningly, lunchly, afternoonly and allthetimely.


The only difference between a roller coaster and a social event is that I scream less on the roller coaster


*watches man fall off of bridge on TV..

“Bartender, can you get me that drunk?”


I start conversations with my children by saying “Listen to me,” to ensure they stop paying attention from the beginning.


Am I getting older or is the supermarket starting to play some great songs?


It’s like my grandma always used to say, “Don’t go to the grocery store hungry and don’t go to the liquor store drunk.”


ME: I heard about your wife. I’m so sorry
HIM: What do you mean, she’s right here
ME: I know, and it’s true she’s just awful


Can someone tell me the exact crime I need to commit to get put on house arrest because legally having to cancel plans sounds incredible.


[First Date]
“Okay don’t let her know you’re a tool shed”
Waiter: Anything to drink?
Date: a screwdriver please
*My head slowly opens*


me: ok so imagine if you were a horse—
my sister: bold of you to assume i’m not, but continue