@seamussaid

Lunchables™? huge waste of money! I have my kids mill their own wheat then hunt, kill & field strip a wild bologna

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@HeavyRaines17

Worst thing about smoking marijuana nightly is the strong desire to also smoke it morningly, lunchly, afternoonly and allthetimely.

@Home_Halfway

The only difference between a roller coaster and a social event is that I scream less on the roller coaster

@BareChesty

*watches man fall off of bridge on TV..

“Bartender, can you get me that drunk?”

@chelliet22

I start conversations with my children by saying “Listen to me,” to ensure they stop paying attention from the beginning.

@Dirty_Naomi

Am I getting older or is the supermarket starting to play some great songs?

@3sunzzz

It’s like my grandma always used to say, “Don’t go to the grocery store hungry and don’t go to the liquor store drunk.”

@momjeansplease

ME: I heard about your wife. I’m so sorry
HIM: What do you mean, she’s right here
ME: I know, and it’s true she’s just awful

@robfee

Can someone tell me the exact crime I need to commit to get put on house arrest because legally having to cancel plans sounds incredible.

@MarlonBrandNO

[First Date]
“Okay don’t let her know you’re a tool shed”
Waiter: Anything to drink?
Date: a screwdriver please
*My head slowly opens*

@NECROMANClNG

me: ok so imagine if you were a horse—
my sister: bold of you to assume i’m not, but continue