Lunchables™? huge waste of money! I have my kids mill their own wheat then hunt, kill & field strip a wild bologna
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[small-town McDonald’s cashier holds bill up to light, studies it]
Me: You get a lot of counterfeit fives around here?
Place a STUDENT DRIVER sign on top of your car, and suddenly nobody suspects you of drunk driving.
I love people who order coffee like they’re giving the pass code to a missile defense system.
Me: My wife and I finish each others sentences
Judge: No
Him: You smell nice. What is that?
Me: [twirling my hair] Cough drops
wife: Why is there ice cream in the dryer!?
me [whispers to toddler] Why is there ice cream in the dryer?
toddler [whispers] Because it was wet
me: Because it was wet!
Just realized half way through my date that I still had lipstick on my forehead from my mom kissing me goodbye.
Me: How was dinner?
Husband: Good!
Me. Just good? What could I have done to make it better?
Husband: …
*Next night*
Me: How’s dinner?
Husband: It was fantastic! Amazing!
Me: Don’t patronize me.
Husband: *sigh*
i cannot say the word synonym without sounding drunk.
We complain when it’s hot. We complain when it’s cold. We are such cunts. That’s why ET went home and never came back to visit.
REASONS TO BRING BACK DRAGONS
• can cook your toast
• would be a warm and wholesome nap partner
• riding one + your cloak fluttering behind you is epic
• they can scream companionably with you
• if you’re losing an argument, your dragon can just eat the person
The eyes are the windows to the soul. A moustache is the front garden, and the mouth is that big pothole the council should do something about
By age 35 you should have at least two thirds of your hard drive space taken up by recursively nested copies of the hard drives from all your previous computers
It’s a real dilemma for me when I’m confronted with a moral issue that wasn’t examined by the writers of the original Star Trek.
Titanic, but with literally thousands of cats.
Cashier at McDonalds said “See you later” a little too smugly at breakfast. I did not appreciate her condescension and told her so at lunch.
[when it’s my turn to introduce myself to the group] Hi my name is Tim and I didn’t hear any of your names cause I was so nervous about my turn and I probably won’t hear the next three or so cause I’ll be thinking about the weird way I said “nervous,” glad to be on the team
In the 17th century, villagers would burn down entire neighborhoods to combat diseases such as bubonic plague, typhus, and gluten.
My wife’s written “iron school uniform” on a note. She’s full of bright ideas, but to me this sounds heavy and impractical.
If Miley doesn’t get her shit together, all these Hannah Montana collectibles are never gonna get my kids through college
Who called it a wedding licence and not marry-time law
TEETH IS INNOCENT
This week’s mood.
Dear rock bands,
If I am at your show, assume I am both ready and willing to rock. No need to ask.
*enters bubble blowing contest
*blows BIG bubble
*guy blows BIGGER bubble
*pulls knife
*pops bubble(ALWAYS bring a knife to a gum fight.)
*walks into Best Buy*
*points to CDs* “May I have 4 sound bagels please”
nothing prepares you for when your sweet sensitive gentle eight year old son calls you “bruh” for the first time
bird: I’m a bird. I have the ability to soar majestically over the mountains. I have a bird’s eye view of this beautiful planet and can see how wonderful it all is
me: and yet you choose to hang out in this McDonald’s parking lot
bird: did I mention I’m a seagull?
I’ll never reveal my secrets.
Alcohol: Lol.