Lust is not real love and Domino’s is not real pizza but both are fine when you’re drunk.
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In the Flirtatious Period, the dinosaurs did a hell of a lot of winkin’…
Who’s ready for Friday?!
sneaking out of costco with extra samples like
I buy my kids cereal based on which kinds my vacuum cleaner will be able to pick up best.
Tweet thief [secretly the Backstreet Boys] 🎶am I original?
– Naaah –
Tweet thief: 🎶am I the only one
– LOL NO –
Tweet thief: 🎶am I SEXUAL
*Awkward silence*
Will you marry me – Proposal
Will, You, Mary, Me -foursome request
Will, you marry me – Timetravler spoiling the future
Will you, Mary me – Cavewoman Introducing herselfPunctuation, it’s THAT important!
Verizon is selling off tumblr already, like someone who bought a doll at a garage sale that was labeled “WARNING: THIS DOLL IS HAUNTED”, took it home, got tormented by a ghost, then went “hey, I think this thing is haunted”
When I’m in an elevator with a stranger I generally hold their hand to let them know that they’re safe
why steal office supplies from work when you could take an extra long bathroom break and steal company time instead
Life would be simpler if you were notified when you were added to lists IRL.
“Your crush” has added you to list “Friend Zone”.
Netflix and awkward silence?
French toast is just bread that bathes in milk like some pampered Egyptian queen.
*Organizing closet*
Husband: Where do you want your wedding dress?
Me: Oh, just put it with the others.
Husband: What?
Me: What?
So, no one told my 13yo that spoons can’t go in the microwave.
How’s your day
[Sister puts my newborn nephew in my arms]
Me *holds for 30 seconds*: Well, I better get going.
What do you call a food fight with an unlimited amount of food?
All you can yeet.
Electric planes are the future, as soon as someone figures out how to make extension cords long enough
Can’t. Have to go tighten all the jar lids so I feel useful tomorrow when my chef sister comes cook
“Expecto me to be there”
Harry Potter RSVPing to a party
The Rock hasn’t released a movie in two weeks. I hope he’s okay.
If we spell Jeff as Geoff then why not
– Geosh
– Georemy
– Geonathan
– Geonnifer
– Geacob
– Jreg
[Parker Brothers Meeting: 1903]
Boss: We need a tedious game that will last for hours & tear families apart.
And Monopoly was born.
Me: *takes off headphones and puts air guitar down* what?
Flight attendant: I need you to sit
Seems like an opportune time to resurface my favorite interview moment
I love when a pig looks like a disguised quest giving god
It’s my 23rd wedding anniversary today and my husband decided to share a picture of us where I’m standing at Cape Spear at 5am, swollen faced, no make up, not even smiling. He, however, looks great and I’m glad for him because the last anniversary post should be the best.
Cop: *looks at license* Says here you need glasses.
Me: I have contacts.
Cop: I don’t care who you know, you’re not getting out of this one.
I’d be more inclined to grow up if I saw that it worked out for everyone else
Not to brag but my wife just mentioned fireworks in the bedroom to me. She wants me to keep them somewhere else until the 4th but still…
Office Quidditch but the golden snitch is the last free donut.