@bylinetd

Lycra leggings didn’t get me to the gym.

But I choreographed a modern dance trying to peel them off.

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@gabemakesmusic

I don’t have a girlfriend but sometimes I like to pretend that I do; I just stand in my room screaming “That’s not what I said!”

@Chumpstring

[job interview]
INTERVIEWER: what can you tell me about the last three years of your life
ME: just that i hope they haven’t started yet

@KissabiX

Why is an antelope a completely different animal instead of two ants who fall desperately in love and romantically run away together to make a new life for themselves?

@crunkdumpster

Give a man a fish and he’ll be like,
“Dude I’m allergic to fish.”
TEACH a man to fish and he’ll be like,
“THTOP I THAID IM ALLERGIC TO FITH”

@OctopusCavemann

Waiter: Is something wrong with your fish?

Me: I ordered it battered

Waiter: Terribly sorry *punches fish*

Me: Thanks

@sadmemes

’50 shades of gray’ -worst set of crayola colored pencils.

@murrman5

[trying to avoid awkward silence on first date]
you ever see a horse throw up?
“no”
*smiles and turns phone sideways so video gets bigger*

@dmc1138

I can’t get enough of these Labor Day Sales, you guys! I bought 25 mattresses!

@PYWL

I just saw a video of a snake that learned to open doors. I probably don’t need to sleep anymore anyway.