I don’t have a girlfriend but sometimes I like to pretend that I do; I just stand in my room screaming “That’s not what I said!”
Lycra leggings didn’t get me to the gym.
But I choreographed a modern dance trying to peel them off.
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INTERVIEWER: what can you tell me about the last three years of your life
ME: just that i hope they haven’t started yet
Why is an antelope a completely different animal instead of two ants who fall desperately in love and romantically run away together to make a new life for themselves?
Give a man a fish and he’ll be like,
“Dude I’m allergic to fish.”
TEACH a man to fish and he’ll be like,
“THTOP I THAID IM ALLERGIC TO FITH”
Waiter: Is something wrong with your fish?
Me: I ordered it battered
Waiter: Terribly sorry *punches fish*
’50 shades of gray’ -worst set of crayola colored pencils.
Well there goes my Wednesday night.
[trying to avoid awkward silence on first date]
you ever see a horse throw up?
*smiles and turns phone sideways so video gets bigger*
I can’t get enough of these Labor Day Sales, you guys! I bought 25 mattresses!
I just saw a video of a snake that learned to open doors. I probably don’t need to sleep anymore anyway.