Lycra leggings didn’t get me to the gym.
But I choreographed a modern dance trying to peel them off.
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just saw a preview of the upcoming commercial for Lady Doritos, yikes
I wrote a poem: Dinosaurs, they used to roar, but… No more. Still mad atchu, meteor.
Just found out my parents have had a life insurance policy on me since I was 6mo old with them as the beneficiaries. I’m 44 now. I see they’re playing the long game…
I’ve always had a soft spot in my heart for female T-Rex because the tampon insertion must’ve been really difficult.
You know what I really like about you, girl? You’re really down to earth. *waits for response, nothing. Goes to next tombstone* You know wha
kids in new york be like “i take the train to school” ok harry potter
Cant believe they scheduled work at my 9-5 job the day after I decided to get drunk on a Wednesday I am appalled
wife: you said you were going to organize the garage during the pandemic
me: I said NEXT pandemic
*watching soccer*
Me: I would simply use my hands and carry the ball to the opponents goal.
just clicked the “find my size” button on a clothing website and the prompt that came up said “what size do you normally wear” I selected my size and then it said “you should get that size”
um excuse me what’re we doin’ here
If you’re being attacked don’t yell ”HELP” yell ”FREE CUPCAKES”
Marvel just revealed the title we’ve all been waiting for.
Spiderman: You’ll Probably Have To Watch It At Home
Remember when your mom would just drop you off at the mall and have no way to get in touch with you? I don’t even trust my kids to go upstairs alone.
Here’s why I’m opposed to pilots being obligated to wear boxing gloves for flights:
-Cost of buying the gloves might be passed on to customers
-Pilot loses gloves? Flight gets delayed
-A passenger wearing boxing gloves could be mistaken for the pilot and ordered to fly the plane
you ever stop and think to yourself, “why am I reading the Wikipedia page for Whale Oil?”
Plumber: I think I found the problem
[inventing jogging]
how can I suffer but with music
Her: Is breakfast almost ready?
Me: Yeah, I just have to drain the sausage.
Her: Can’t we please wait till after breakfast for that?
My husband and I are looking for someone to whistle show tunes while we have sex in our hot tub. Serious inquires only, please.
I’m my own worst enemy, but there are literally hundreds of people tied for second place.
If you see a man running down the street tonight, blowing a whistle & wearing a life guard shirt…don’t worry, I’m just chasing my dream.
I̶t̶’̶s̶ ̶t̶o̶o̶ ̶e̶a̶r̶l̶y̶ ̶t̶o̶ start drinking
CABLE COMPANY: Someone will be there between 6:30 am and 9:45 pm.
ME: That’s pretty vague.
CC: Oh, sorry. It’ll be a cable TV installer.
Sometimes when I want to make my girlfriend feel skinny, I just release about 25% of her from the air valve.
No one wants to publish my erratic fiction.
A couple is asleep when their doorbell rings at 3am.
The wife shakes the husband and says “Honey, there’s someone at the door.”
The husband, irritated gets up and opens the door to an obviously drunk man.
“Can I help you?”
“Could you give me a push?” asks the drunk man.…
[zoo]
Kid: monkeys are dumb. Why do they keep throwing poop at each other?Me:*on my phone, leaving angry Facebook comments* I know, right?
To avoid the risk of dangerous paradoxes I use my time machine only to skip, rewind & pause my TV shows; also saving $10/mo on renting a DVR
What do you call a food fight with an unlimited amount of food?
All you can yeet.