@bylinetd

Lycra leggings didn’t get me to the gym.

But I choreographed a modern dance trying to peel them off.

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@TheAlexNevil

The number of things that are *not* rocket science is staggering.

@blade_funner

Officer: I’ll need to see a photo ID.

Me: (pulling out a selfie at an R.E.M. concert) That’s me in the corner. That’s me in the spotlight.

@GregorJFord

Never sell a golf club on Facebook to someone from East Kilbride!

@iinkedZombie

My daughter wanted a Cinderella themed birthday party, so I invited All of her Friends over and made them clean the house.

@TheOldFolksHome

Sue: I’m off to the hairdressers, what sort of cut would make me look beautiful? *giggles*

Stan: A power cut.

@urgeekisshowing

That awkward moment when someone asks if you’ve dyed your hair and you say no, its just clean.

@goldengateblond

The Wicked Witch swings a light saber at Obi-Wan just as he throws a water balloon at her. All anyone finds later are piles of clothes.

@Mr_Kapowski

“Welcome to Armageddon
Welcome to Legageddon
Welcome to Quadageddon”

Me: *raises hand* Are you the only trainer available at the gym today?

@AimeeHelene1

CW: Aimee, could I get your signature on this agreement?
Me: *pauses*
(with Cheeto stained lips)
*kisses paper*
CW:
Me: That’s my signature.