Lycra leggings didn’t get me to the gym.
But I choreographed a modern dance trying to peel them off.
You Might Also Like
Mosquitoes be like “I know a spot” and then bite me in on that one part of my back I can’t reach
[on quiz show]
“and if you won some money today keith, what would you do with it?”
*leans way too close into the microphone*
spend it alex
ME: Just don’t touch my Pop Tarts and we’ll be okay
PRIEST: *stunned* I’d like to remind everyone that the couple chose to write their own vows
My doctor said avocados help with depression but so far it’s just sitting there on my counter doing nothing.
The word “hello” only became common in 1827 and I like to imagine a glorious era before that when everyone just ignored each other
[Calling the police]
“Help! Someone with a slice of beef strapped to his elbow is chasing me!”
“Stay calm.”
“Yes, that’s him!”
Driving down the road and saw my ex-wife. Funny how “I’d hit that” changes meaning over the years
ME: [unbuttoning shirt] There’s only one way to settle this. Dance off!
CUSTODY ATTORNEY: No
Always wanted to call people who don’t like astronomy “Galactos Intolerant”
When you’re mimicking someone behind their back and they suddenly turn around
Lemon is supposedly a good diuretic. I ate a quart of lemon pudding and nothing is happening.
Star Wars films are like my wives – we don’t talk about the first 3
A computer game where you go back in time with a gun to kill Adam; it’s a first person shooter.
Learn from your failures. For example, I will never eat Cheetos immediately before a job interview again.
This librarian isn’t even wearing glasses! I’m not even going to ask her where a book is. She’s not going to know.
Star Wars, but every character is Owen Wilson
Damn … History Channel 😀
#archaeohistories
me: [getting murdered]
murderer: [murdering]
murderer’s mom: you’re wearing that to do murder?
murderer: unbelievable
We were watching a reality show with really annoying people and I said they made me wanna puke and my husband said he wanted to torch the TV and my 13yo was like “just let them be happy” and I don’t know how we raised a child who doesn’t know how to hate watch something properly.
The first person to eat a fortune cookie probably ate the paper too, which is unfortunate
A guy asked my kiddos if they were on Santa’s naughty list or his good list. They both said good, but as soon as we got in the car, 4 was worried and asked “sooooo…how good do you have to be, to be on the good list?”
That seems sus.
Started a hate list & so far I just have myself & the ladle from Jurassic park
No, my carpet does not match the drapes. I simply refuse to shave my head.
6: how do you spell once?
Me: o-n-c-e
6: how do you spell upon?
Me: u-p-o-n
6: how do you spell-
Me: what are you doing?
6: writing a story. how do you spell…
It’s going to be a long weekend.
Message from the dog groomers
I would pay extra for a grocery store app that alerts me to the checkout line filled with people who apparently have never gone through a grocery store checkout line before in their life.
Me: “Seems bad that King Charles is ill, his wife is unpopular, and his heir is up to some problematic shit”
2020’s guy: “yeah”
1680’s guy: “yeah”
[sees my dentist in the store]
*really loud fake phone call voice*
me: ya I’m just picking up some floss cause I ran out probably because I floss every day idk
I just tried to start a camp fire and boy did my parents over estimate my skills to burn the house down
Maroon 5 is playing. The crowd goes mild