[lying in bed after sex] my dad hit someone with his minivan in 1989.
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Not to brag, but I remember to take the cap off of a water bottle 75% of the time before taking a drink.
SON: I need lunch money.
DAD: Get a job.
SON: I’m in 5th grade-
DAD: All I’m hearin’ is excuses.
“Hot damn!” – the Nazi’s probably after their dams were destroyed.
I don’t know; I’m not a historian. It’s just an educated guess.
Me: I’m not a morning person
Everyone: no shit
Sorry babe, I have to cancel our date tonight. I joined a 50’s gang and I need to go to snapping practice.
I get so excited when Facebook tells me there are hot singles in my city who want to meet me. Maybe they want to babysit!
Sex is great, but have you ever deleted 1700 emails after returning from vacation?
I don’t know who needs to see this but don’t ever answer your phone on your way home from work. They want you to stop at the store.
Welcome to your fifties; you have a favourite hip now.
The most important thing I learned from working at the bank is which lollipop flavor tastes the best.
My neighbor once dropped off a bag of lemons and a bottle of vodka on my doorstep in the middle of the night, with no explanation.
I think about this often.
My friend said his dog retrieved a ball he threw over a mile away. I don’t know, that seems pretty far fetched.
me: pls don’t do that
kids: [do it anyway]
me: I told you not to do that
kids: are you new
My son was so sweet this morning. He took the garbage and recycling out without being asked, so I really think we’re turning a corner on this grouchy morning teen thing.
In unrelated news, my son asked for $20 right before he left for school.
My 7-year-old told me she wants a pet chinchilada. Do I find this at the pet store or a Mexican restaurant?
[call]
MOM: please be safe in the snowstorm.
ME: idgaf about snow i’m a gangster.
MOM: what?
ME: i said thanks for calling i love you.
Think you know guilt?
*takes long drag on cigarette*
I’m the wildebeest who killed Mufasa.
*exhales*
I hear Simba’s screams every night.
Dear waiter,
You messed up my order because you didn’t write it down. I employed your strategy while calculating the tip.
Love,
David
nice thing about dating a doctor is if you wanna stop seeing them, you can just eat an apple
A newly wed guy asked me about marriage. I told him it’s sort of like a museum. You have to be quiet and you can’t really touch anything.
Never read the comments. Unless you’re posting a comment. Then, read all the comments, because 40 other people already said that, genius.
Motion detecting home security camera working well!
[date]
EXPECTATION:
Me: [dazzles her with charm and wit]REALITY:
Me: “I hear the chicken is pretty good here.”
[after sex]
Her: wow that was loud
Tin man: I’m a bit rusty
if someone sees a pic of you and says “wow you’re photogenic” what they’re really trying to say is that you look uglier irl
I won $5 on a scratch-off lottery ticket, so it looks like someone is buying name brand aluminum foil this week.
How to find out if you old.
(Fall down in front of a group of people.)
If they laugh, you are young.
If they panic, you are old.
me 2 months after i graduated
i was one of the palm trees waving around in the background of every 16 bit game in the 90’s so yes random guy you do know me from somewhere