[lying in bed after sex] my dad hit someone with his minivan in 1989.
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My old WiFi name used to be BoratVoiceMyWifi but I’ve since matured
I keep banana skins within reach at work because you never know when you’re going to need to make a murder look like an accident.
Sorry I can’t make it, I asked my toddler if he wanted help putting on his shoes he answered “yes I don’t”
Me: You’re so selfish!
Her: I’m selfless! I spent the last 4 weekends giving back to my community.
Me: Oh Please, that was court-ordered..
The pic on Nextdoor of a swarm of bees on someone’s fence is wicked cool until you recognize the fence.
Me: Is there alcohol in this?
Barista: … No ma’am.
Me: Can there be?
BBC crime shows on Netflix:
– Inspector Grimpenchester
– The Hangman’s Ax
– Get Me Bumblry!
– Miss Lettie Pennyfeather’s Detective Concern
*calls psychic hotline*
Psychic: how can I help you?
Me: well this is bullshit.
If Twitter was a restaurant it would be Five Reply Guys
[if I was in horror movies, a thread]
jock: let’s split up
me: no
me to the fake CIA agent: okay so you need me to put all my savings in a shoe box? all $387?
scammer: you know what never mind
Co-worker at “Team-building exercise”: What the hell?!
Me: It’s called a “trust fall,” not a “trust catch.”
“Yeah, and she’s not breathing. Should I call someone?”
“Yes!”
“Hello! Yes, hello Pizza Hut, she’s not breathing.”
the UK fascinates me because what sort of place can’t commit to a Prime Minister for three months but remains committed to the idea that fried blood sausage is an acceptable breakfast item for 600 years
I used to think “platitude” was just a really cool platypus.
Kids will be like, “How was I suppose to know it would spill?”
– my son chasing his sisters around our living room with an open container of fake blood.
I’m stoned. Either the smoke alarm is beeping or the house is backing up.
You: *makes tiniest movement on sofa*
Someone: “you going to the kitchen?”
The pen is mightier than the sword. Also, parking a car in someone’s living room sends a pretty damn clear message too.
He said I was sent from above, but I wasn’t sure if he meant angelic, or shit out of a bird.
Wish I was a duck. Just chillin in a park all day, maybe go for a swim. Oh what’s that? People wanna feed me? Hell yeah
Ordered our meals entirely in French, impressing my date and baffling the Applebee’s server.
He: “I’ll catch a grenade for you.”
She: “Prove it.”
He: *Plays Call of Duty*
I hope you get that part you auditioned for, that gig you called about, that job you applied for, the promotion you deserve, the all clear on the medical test you’re nervous about, the text from your crush, the acceptance letter from the school you applied to. Namaste.
(Flintstones theme song)
ninjas
turtle ninjas
they’re a teenage mutant family
with their
master splinter
they’re about to save new york city
Dinner then: lean protein, fresh vegetables, good carbs
Dinner now: on the rocks
Me: What’s your favorite fruit?
Son #2: Tacos.
Me: No, I said fruit.
S2: You have my answer.
They say there’s no such thing as a free lunch, but I’m at Applebee’s & have a dead mouse in my pocket that says otherwise.
thief: [breaking into my car] why are u in the trunk
I saw a woman I work with in line at the pharmacy and instinctively said “hey what are you here for?” She blushed and didn’t respond in case you’re wondering about my ability to create awkward situations