[lying in bed after sex]
Sorry for all the screaming, I’m afraid of the dark
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Which one of you shrunk all of my jeans?
[landlord showing new tenant around]
“No smoking allowed”
“How about pets?”
“That’s fine”
[dog walks in and lights up]
“We’ll take it”
Every time I see a sign that says “Right lane ends,” I’m like, so does everything else, deal with it
PRO TIP:
Using a Starbucks cup to ask for change makes me think I’m worse off than you
Americans should be asking Santa for better presidential candidates and nothing else.
“HULK WANT LOAN.”
Bank: “We can’t loan to people like you.”
“GREEN SKIN PEOPLE??”
Bank: “No, people who owe 2.6M in property damage.”
My teen son complained that the house was too cold. I suggested that cleaning his room would warm him up. All of a sudden, he’s not cold.
I think the ideal solution to my problems would be for me to get tenure. I don’t know exactly what tenure is but I think it could really turn things around for me.
I show dominance by calling out her name from outside her window while she’s having sex.
If RL people ask you how to join twitter, tell them they have to be sponsored by six people and submit tweets for approval. And pay. Sorted.
The baby’s trying to eat the poinsettia again
Well, maybe we should get rid of it
The plant? But we just got it
. . .Haha yeah, the plant
Listen, frozen meal instructions, never in the history of owning microwaves have I known the wattage of any microwave
ANGEL: the humans need a model for how they should treat you…
GOD: [creates dog]
ANGEL: …and for how they actually do
GOD: [creates cat]
Maybe if we all tell the virus we need to talk, it’ll break up with us first.
a midwest state really had a “husband calling” competition
Autocorrect changed ‘strip’ to ‘syrup’, and honestly, I don’t know which club I prefer.
Louis C.K. perfectly sums up Boston accents in his new special ‘Live At The Comedy Store’
You in the crosswalk: I stopped for you. I stopped. I’m stopped. I won’t unstop. Don’t look at me. Just walk. Go. For the love of God.
I 100% subscribe to this philosophy
At this point my only chance at getting thinner is going to a paint store.
Never go to a combination dentist / proctologist…..
but if you do, get the dental work first.
*eye of the tiger starts to play as I trip & fall down the stairs
Me: I just want to go on vacation where the food is cheap, there are no kids, and no other people
Husband: So send the kids to your parents for a week and stay home?
Me: Perfect
If I ever visit Japan, the first thing I’ll do is run through those paper walls pretending I’m the Kool-Aid man.
Slugs keep eating my plants so I’ve moved them into the house. If we’re living together they might have second thoughts about eating my plants.
REALTOR: It’s a great neighborhood. Wonderful schools-
ME: And the Pokemon?
REALTOR: …. sigh. Mostly Pidgeys
ME: I think I’ve seen enough.
Policeman: Name please
Iggy Pop: Iggy Pop
Policeman: Your FULL name
Iggy Pop: (Quietly) Ignatius Poppadom
Clock: “You need to get up in 6 hours.”
Me: “No you’re mistaken. First I need to Google the lyrics to that song from 9th grade, and then find the episode with the scene where they played that song on BH 90210.”