*lying in bed*
*drops chip down cleavage*
*thinks, I’m so tired, leave it
*also, mmmmm, breakfast*
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Her: What are you wearing for New Year’s Eve?
Me: My nicest robe and whatever booze doesn’t make it into my mouth.
Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me between 2 and 50 times and you’re my 5yo getting out of bed at night.
when the ice cream man drives down my street I walk alongside him screaming TAKE ME WITH YOU I WILL BEAR YOU MANY STRONG SONS
Just saved two ants from drowning in the pool, so I assume they’re rushing back to their colony to tell everyone they were lifted to safety by the giant hand of god.
christ, it is impossible for anyone to be on a ghost hunting show and not have it be hilarious
it’s just something about the genre that makes people wander around in the dark shouting angrily at ghosts on nightvision and then screaming and running away when a door creaks
[doing crunches]
Me: get it? ab solution?
Priest: so excommunicated
Origami was invented by a young Japanese child trying to hide his report card.
barista: room for cream?
me: oh you must be new *puts hand on his shoulder* that’s called a refrigerator
I just took the Christmas tree down. Gonna dye Easter eggs this afternoon.
There is nothing like a little tomato soup to soothe the soul, even if it’s cold, over ice, with a celery stalk and vodka.
The first step is admitting that the other person is the one with the problem.
Dr Suess isn’t that special. watch this:
I’m mad and sad and doing very bad
Always wrinkle-check your t-shirts
“And this is Flegh, Fnnnr, Grmm, Jsssh and Jhee-Jo.” (What My Brain Hears When Introduced to a Group of People)
YOU CAN’T BUY HOT POCKETS YOU CAN ONLY BUY COLD POCKETS YOU ARE EXPECTED SUPPLY THE HEAT YOURSELF DONT BELIEVE THE LIES.
Saw a man at the beach screaming, “SAVE ME..I’m drowning”.
I instantly uploaded
his pic, captioned “1 like = 100 prayers” on facebook..!!
🙄😏😂🤣
The hardest part of life in the 1990s was having to scream “Hey, Macarena!” every forty seconds for the entire decade.
Me: ‘Alexa, set the timer for 90 minutes.’
Alexa: ‘What are we burning tonight?’
It’s like nobody in this McDonalds has seen a guy spreading marmalade on a Big Mac before.
this is what they would have looked like, though
I start undressing you with my eyes. About halfway through, your zipper gets caught on my cornea and I start screaming in agony.
[reading Harry Potter]
Me: Do you know what’s going on?
3-year-old: He went to lizard school.
I’d correct her, but her version is better.
Saw a momfluencer post where she talked about how she had a “living room family,” not a “bedroom family” because everyone felt happy and safe together in the living room and didn’t feel the need to isolate themselves in their bedrooms. Her kids were 2-years-old and baby.
I put on a blue vest and just walked out of Lowe’s with 18 toilet plungers
Normalise saying “better you than me” to people who keep complaining about everything.
Just when you’ve built some confidence that you’re a smarter than average human, universe sends you captcha.
For such a picky eater, I’m certainly not a picky weight gainer.
me: you died in poverty
clone of nikola tesla: damn
me: but now the world recognizes your genius
tesla: ha I guess so, look at this car with my name on it
me: ok so remember when I called this a “good news sandwich”?