@thegreatnanak

*lying in bed
This is life. I don’t think I’ll ever get out of bed again.

*five minutes later
I gotta pee.

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@electrolemon

HARRY JR: what do you see in the mirror of desire, papa
HARRY SR: well if i look closely i see you mowing the lawn this morning like i asked

@Gooooats

A surprisingly large amount of responsibility also comes with zero power.

@surrealvehicle

me: here’s an idea. a dishwasher that ‘beeps’ when it’s finished

CEO: yeah. like, twenty times

me: lmao two or three times is more than enou-

CEO: TWENTY TIMES

me: but-

CEO: T̶̨̮̲̱̎͐̾͒͑W̴̨̺̭͛͗͆̀E̸̦̾̇͗͝Ṅ̴̦̪̿̇T̸̩̫̐̾͒Y̷̨͇̯̞̌́́͌ ̵̧̜͚͛̕͘T̶̛̞͑̒͑̅Ḯ̵͚̆̕M̵̫̠͉̀Ë̸͔̝̬́̌̈͘S̶̝̘̓̽͒̒͑-

@C00LpenNAME

[at Home Depot]

Me: hey, I need some gardening gloves, a tarp, a shovel, and some lye

Clerk: haha, you kill somebody?

Me: our dog died

Clerk: oh God, I’m so sorry…

Me: haha, just kidding. I killed somebody

@ArfMeasures

Sister: And you definitely know how to do this sawing trick?

Me: Yes of course I…oh no

Half sister: what

@SamanthaaaReece

I did 1 single thing on my to-do list today which means now I get to watch 11 hours of TV

@liv_thatsme

*1st day on prozac*

Me: These are awesome! What am I supposed to take tomorrow?

Doctor: That was a 30 day supply.

Me: Whoops.