All you dads out there couldn’t hold a candle to my dad. He’s petrified of candles.
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FRIEND: haha she’s so cute—say it for him honey
HER TODDLER: the moon is cheeeeese
ME: well what have we here, a tiny liar
My parents are cruel. They used to give me pocket money but would also buy me clothes with no pockets.
Is there a button for “please show me more ads like this”???
My husband got barbecue sauce on my mom’s favorite white tablecloth. For five whole minutes I wasn’t the biggest disappointment in her life.
Me to 8: Please stop growing bigger
8: YOU stop growing bigger
And just like that, a sweet moment was ruined
Are you watching Point Break or The Fast and the Furious?
For Sale: Baby Shoes. Heavy wear, like it looks like the baby has been working construction downtown. There’s plaster on them.
I’m going to need a list of snacks that will be there before I show up.
When you’re on the third Zoom meeting of the day and decide you’re just gonna go ahead and eat your lunch and people can just deal with it.
Me: The door’s locked
Salt: Push it
Me: It’s locked
Pepa: Push it
Me: That won’t work, think of something else
Salt:
Pepa:
Salt:
Pepa:
Both: Push it real good?
I’m so glad I cleaned the house so the kids have a clean canvas to drop their stuff everywhere.
I kinda pictured myself robbing banks one day but my handwriting is horrible.
My neighbors have been calling for their cat for 15 minutes. I’ve been meowing out the window for 30.
Not to brag but I reminded two people to drink water today. They were already at the cooler, but still
Research says that if you’re afraid of spiders, you’re most likely to find them in your bedroom. I’m afraid of men with accents so…
My pre-nup will indicate that I’m allowed to unplug your life support system should my phone need charging.
♫ Hey there Delilah, can we handle this discreetly
My stomach reacted badly
after eating old zucchini ♪
and I just pooooed ♫
BOSS: *rubbing bridge of her nose* Why were you late again?
ME: Well it’s High Five Wednesday, and I passed an aquarium full of Octopuses
What do you call a Magician without any magic?
Ian.
A Scottish vampire aka a McMorbius
If George W. Bush was the president of France today, he would declare war on Finland.
me: is there anything i can say to stop you from leaving
wife: no
me: no
God [creating winter precipitation]: Make it white, sparkly, quiet and serene.
Angel: It’ll be beautiful. They’ll love it.
God: Hmm. Make it slick and dangerous too. I don’t want to spoil them.
“Son, you can practice the sex on holes in trees”
“DAD?!”
[next day]
“Where you going with that broom handle?”
“Checkin for squirrels”
My son is finally growing the thick moustache he always wanted on my face.
“How you like dem apples?”
“Just shut up and eat, Frank.”
Everyone talks about how social media is bad for your mental health but what about Excel?
Wild-eyed guy passed me in the grocery store hissing “applesauce” but I can’t tell if he was looking for it or running away
Hey girls: FYI, if you tilt the camera up just a wee bit higher you can actually get your face in the picture.
My mom always said carry a jar of pickles in the store when pregnant and throw it on the ground as a decoy if your water should break, but now that I’m old I carry one in case I pee my pants.