HARRY JR: what do you see in the mirror of desire, papa
HARRY SR: well if i look closely i see you mowing the lawn this morning like i asked
*lying in bed
This is life. I don’t think I’ll ever get out of bed again.
*five minutes later
I gotta pee.
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A surprisingly large amount of responsibility also comes with zero power.
me: here’s an idea. a dishwasher that ‘beeps’ when it’s finished
CEO: yeah. like, twenty times
me: lmao two or three times is more than enou-
CEO: TWENTY TIMES
CEO: T̶̨̮̲̱̎͐̾͒͑W̴̨̺̭͛͗͆̀E̸̦̾̇͗͝Ṅ̴̦̪̿̇T̸̩̫̐̾͒Y̷̨͇̯̞̌́́͌ ̵̧̜͚͛̕͘T̶̛̞͑̒͑̅Ḯ̵͚̆̕M̵̫̠͉̀Ë̸͔̝̬́̌̈͘S̶̝̘̓̽͒̒͑-
[at Home Depot]
Me: hey, I need some gardening gloves, a tarp, a shovel, and some lye
Clerk: haha, you kill somebody?
Me: our dog died
Clerk: oh God, I’m so sorry…
Me: haha, just kidding. I killed somebody
Sister: And you definitely know how to do this sawing trick?
Me: Yes of course I…oh no
Half sister: what
I did 1 single thing on my to-do list today which means now I get to watch 11 hours of TV
Me in quarantine vs the story imma tell my grandkids.
#HighSchoolTaughtMe how to solve any math word problem
*1st day on prozac*
Me: These are awesome! What am I supposed to take tomorrow?
Doctor: That was a 30 day supply.