@PleaseBeGneiss

[lying in bed]

Wife: He’s probably thinking of other women

ME: *Imagining eating dinner with Batman* It’s a cape AND a bib?!

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@pauleggleston

I saw a statue of Cinderella today. I didn’t like it, but I found the plinth charming.

@andlikelaura

my body: please…eat a vegetable

me: fine

my body: that’s not fried

@thepunningman

Passer-by: hey buddy, do you have change for the phonebox?
Clark Kent: why would I change in a phonebox?
P: I didnt-
CK: I’m not Superman

@MarkTConard

Someone hash-tagged “share the love,” and I read it as “shave the love.” I thought, yeah, I can get on board with that.

@koala_hugs

a gymnast walks into a bar. she is immediately given a 0.0 and disqualified from Olympic trials. you’re supposed to jump OVER the bar, idiot

@philmann

AMERICA:
Here in the UK
we refer to Jay Z as “Jay Zed”
Ice T as “Ice Ted”
And LL Cool J as “Led Led Cool Jed”

@Phoebetate

I’m the girl who shows up at a Halloween party where everyone is dressed as something sexy and I’m dressed as a bean bag.

@metafroth

If I could time travel I’d go to my funeral and take names of people who seemed to be handling it a little too well.

@flashember

Dog (curled up, napping): I never poop on the carpet and I love cats.

Wife: Is the dog talking in its sleep?

“Shhh let sleeping dogs lie.”