I saw a statue of Cinderella today. I didn’t like it, but I found the plinth charming.
[lying in bed]
Wife: He’s probably thinking of other women
ME: *Imagining eating dinner with Batman* It’s a cape AND a bib?!
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my body: please…eat a vegetable
my body: that’s not fried
Passer-by: hey buddy, do you have change for the phonebox?
Clark Kent: why would I change in a phonebox?
P: I didnt-
CK: I’m not Superman
Someone hash-tagged “share the love,” and I read it as “shave the love.” I thought, yeah, I can get on board with that.
a gymnast walks into a bar. she is immediately given a 0.0 and disqualified from Olympic trials. you’re supposed to jump OVER the bar, idiot
Here in the UK
we refer to Jay Z as “Jay Zed”
Ice T as “Ice Ted”
And LL Cool J as “Led Led Cool Jed”
I’m the girl who shows up at a Halloween party where everyone is dressed as something sexy and I’m dressed as a bean bag.
If I could time travel I’d go to my funeral and take names of people who seemed to be handling it a little too well.
Dog (curled up, napping): I never poop on the carpet and I love cats.
Wife: Is the dog talking in its sleep?
“Shhh let sleeping dogs lie.”