Shout out to the top 5 lists in the world, naughty, check, bronze meda, Your Kiss is on My, and Craig’s.
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Living check to check is fine til you go from “Think I’ll treat myself to a $7 latte” to “Which kid do I sell to pay for these car repairs.”
Friend: *checking bag* one bag
Airline: why is it so heavy
Me: *loudly from inside the suitcase* say u have heavy clothes
ME: *exists*
KID: that’s not how mommy does it
When I match a very good looking person on dating apps I send them a message saying “Sorry I swiped right by accident.” And immediately unmatch them. They then have this burning desire to stalk my socials and chase me for validation.
A drop of roof water hit my face and I reacted like it was liquid herpes.
5: You guys picked me and 3 as your kids because we’re so good. You could have picked the bad kids that other parents chose.
Me to H: [whispers] Should we tell her that if we could have picked we would have chosen better kids than her and 3?
It was cool when I taught my kid at 2yo to whisper, “your soul is mine” back to us.
It was cooler when she started whispering it to anyone she was introduced to.
Before Isaac Newton discovered gravity everyone had to glue themselves down.
So, if you get pregnant in Vegas, does the baby have to stay there?
If I check out your blog, what will you do for me? Love me? Ok fine, but you’re telling my mom we’re going out.
When you say married… Do you mean married married… or just married?
Me as student: how can I make my essay 400 word essay longer to fit this 500 word limit
Me as professor: if I cut 5,099 words, I will almost be at the 12,000 word limit
Senility is the pits. Spent an hour driving around the mall parking lot looking for my car.
HER: how was your day?
ME: you know in Die Hard when he runs barefoot over broken glass?
HER: it was that bad??
ME: oh no, it’s just a cool scene…my day was decent
Cop: why were you speeding
Me: Out of POLITENESS to the car behind me
The first person to figure out babies instinctively hold their breath under water probably has a lot of explaining to do……
dogs are toddlers
cats are teenagers
I hate when I can’t remember if my wife and I are in love or fighting. So, I’m like a minesweeper in the mornings.
lightly toasted and extra crispy 🍞
WIFE: *reading headline* Bird flu in America
ME: *not looking up from my phone* Birds fly in every country, Sharon.
Me: will you wake your sister
4: no that’s way too scary
Actually, I want to be a robot for Halloween
-my 3 yo, just before noon, October 31
If men knew the effect their scent has on women, they’d shower more and fart less.
Yes, I said I was sorry and that I’d do anything to win you back. But that was before you told me you needed a ride to the airport at 5am.
Website: you must be of legal age to view this content. What year were you born?
Me at age 11 (playing it safe): 1753
I’m 5’5″ and a HALF. I think men should be pretty impressed that I consider half inches very important when measuring things.
me: so *slaps hood* what will it take to get me into this beauty?
car salesman: you cannot have my sweatshirt
I’m not saying my job sucks, I’m just saying that if you tried to abduct me in the office parking lot on my way into work, I’d struggle just until I was out of view of the corporate security cameras. Then I’ll happily get in your van AND I’ll buy you breakfast at Waffle House.
[dog social media]
Post: *picture of a cat falling out of a tree* caption – “woof, woof, woof.”
Dog reading: hahahahahaha. *retwoofs*