The English are truly the most remarkable people to ever exist. They traveled all across the world and saw food from every culture, and were just like “no thanks we already have beans on toast.”
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*Big Bad Wolf sees 3 little pigs planning to build houses of straw, lumber and brick
*buys stock in Home Depot
I think Titanic is fake because, how do they record it when they are all dieing in the water?
“If you were a spy and having drinks at a spy bar, what would you want?”
“I could tell you, bud, I’d have tequila.”
Should we be concerned about where Home Depot keeps getting these 12 foot skeletons?
Everyone is always talking about raising money for dogs without homes but what about the ones who don’t have cars
Always use your best photos for your profile on FB.
Cause those are the photos the media will use if something horrible happens to you.
I’m very jealous of people who can take selfies with their dogs. My dog is like OH BOY WE ARE SITTING TOGETHER I LOVE YOU LICK FACE FOREVER
I can’t tell if I lost weight or stretched out my pants beyond the point of no return.
ballet teacher: “The girls tell me you’re going to a country that doesn’t allow children?”
Yes. I’m in my parenting powermove liar liar pants on fire era.
Unfollowed a bunch of people this morning because of their views on sweater vests.
The human liver can withstand up to 97% damage and make a full recovery.
Yet not one doctor will accept this as an argument for alcoholism.
Awkward silences? No problem. Just start beatboxing. Does it make things any less awkward? Absolutely not. But it eliminates the silence. Now it’s just awkward beatboxing. You’re welcome.
There is a piece of aluminum foil blowing across the road and all I can think is that one of you is without your protective headgear today.
[Approaches table]
Me: Can I buy you a drink?
Him: This is an AA meeting.
Me: Oh, I’m sorry. Can I buy you some drugs?
“Ok, identify the noun in this sentence. Timmy is stupid.”
Timmy: stupid?
“Exactly”
“Chickfila catering?”
“Yes, sir. How big is your party?”
“Party?”
one time i had sex while watching zootopia for the first time and she got mad because i kept looking at the movie lmaooooo… it’s a good movie smh
I’ve folded seven page corners of the book I’m reading. That’s 49 in dog ears.
I wonder if serial killers ever leave their knives on the edge of the sink in case they may want to commit two murders.
WIFE: no no no I loved your vows I just thought you could’ve used the word ‘bloodthirsty’ a little less
I’m dressing for the weather I desperately want, not the weather I currently have.
Easter egg hunts are fun but, some kids always get their eggs stolen by others. Also, I’m not allowed on the field this year.
A 5 day juice diet. They said I would “feel it” working in just 5 days. They were right, I’ve never felt more hungry in all my life.
I thought I saw a spider on the floor…Turns out it was a paper clip.
It’s dead now.
No need to panic.
Dracula is never rebooted, merely revamped
I don’t think anyone anticipated this stage of corporate dystopia
[Elementary School sends out the “time to check lost and found for your child’s missing items” annual email…]
Me: Hello, U-haul…Me again…Imma need your biggest truck
If I say something happened “the other day” that could mean any time after 1994