My signature move is appearing out of nowhere with an emotional support taco
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My wife acts like she wants to have sex, but then we don’t. I googled it, it’s called cuddling.
I’m getting my eyebrows waxed into “permanently surprised” position so it looks like I’m paying attention.
Being held captive can’t be all bad. At least you’re being held.
How to impress your ex:
1. Get rich
2. Get more attractive
3. Get a tiger
4. Ride tiger everywhere in preparation for confrontation with ex
If I were Spock, I would spend 24 hours a day saying things like “get out of my Vulcan face” and “are you Vulcan kidding me?”
#NoRestForTheWicked
My husband and I had an argument yesterday, we went to bed angry.
I woke up to a bacon egg & cheese. I thought wow… he’s really making an effort. I ate it.
Turns out it wasn’t for me 🤣
Rose: Paint me like your French girls.
Jack: With armpit hair?
The internet is undefeated.. 😂
“See that guy over there? I have to serve him with papers today.”
-Oh really? Why?
“Because I lost my tennis racquet.”
[Target intercom]
“Would the parent of a 9 y/o named Jack please pick up your son at security. We’ve told u for weeks this isn’t a daycare.”
When I go shopping I like to buy condoms and cat food at the same time just to confuse the cashier.
Accidentally used my kids’ toothpaste this morning & now I can’t stop asking “why” every time my wife speaks to me
my wife’s divorce lawyer: why don’t we just get them to arm wrestle?
me whispering to my lawyer: do something
The Matrix described 1999 as the peak of human civilization and I laughed because that would obviously not age well but then the next 23 years happened and now I’m like yeah okay maybe the machines had a point
Men come and go, cities rise and fall, whole civilizations appear and disappear but the one thing that remains steadfast is my teens unfailing attitude
My father gave me 3 pieces of advice
1. Don’t talk to strangers
2. Don’t do drugs
3. Don’t come into the garage when Deep Purple is blasting
On my tax form I checked the single box but added “and looking”.
Fifty percent of parenting is asking, “What did I do to deserve these sweet kids?” and fifty percent is asking “What the hell did I do to deserve these kids?”
*first day as a dog catcher
“I don’t see why we can’t use a ball.”
I understand how batteries feel cause I’m rarely ever included in things either.
My ex-wife and I broke up over religious differences. I was agnostic and she was Satan.
Who ya gonna believe babe… me or some random police report.
Annnnd that’s how the fight started.
developing a crush on a writer is like oh great now i got all this reading homework
The only way I’d want to watch a video of you pouring a bucket of ice water over your head is if you promise you drown at the end.
One day I’m gonna write a book about a recipe blogger that confesses to murder in every single recipe on their website but they never get caught because no one reads the 12 pages of text before the recipe.
Girl at engineering school: I’m like the single-most clumsy person
[5 male engineering students emerge from bushes]
“Did you say single?”
Whoever the first person was to throw shit in to a fan must have had a lot of explaining to do afterwards.
The guy I use for odd jobs around the house is amazing; in the last month alone he’s repaired a leaky roof, fixed a broken gate, retiled the bathroom and according to the wife it was him that somehow reversed my vasectomy, too!
Can I take your order?
Yeah, lemme get a McRib and a large Coke.
Sir, this is Wallgreens
OK, make it a bottle of Xanax, and some Pringles