“Hey Google, set an alarm for 5 AM”
Google: “No. That’s stupid.”
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Got kicked out of the grocery store again for re-enacting the pottery scene from Ghost with a wheel of cheese.
I dunno, maybe don’t play Unchained Melody on the loud speaker and we won’t have this problem.
“911 what’s your emergency?”
“Yeah, I’ve got so many questions about bees.”
*sighs*
“Please hold for the president.”
Him: What’s in the oven?
Me: Freud chicken.
Him: You mean fried.
Sigmund: Let me out!
Chicken: Me too!
Revenge is a dish best served with a laxative that looks like chocolate.
I Just Watched The Simpsons For The First Time. Bart’s Grades Are… Disturbing
Honk if you are flying south for the winter in a V formation.
Me: *holding my dog* it’s his 3rd birthday so technically he’s 21
Bouncer: Still no
{to my new cat} i need you to kill this rat. u are the king of the jungle. u got this homie
{after watching an episode of tom and jerry} forget everything i just said. stay away from that rat. he’s going to kill you with a piano.
Shazam but for whether someone is mad at you
Let me tell you how you lost this game according to these rules I’ve just made up.
-Kids when you play board games together.
rest in peace, 2023.
2023-2023
Weird how Superman’s an alien but looks exactly like a white dude & then he landed in Kansas & not say, mainland China
If you had asked me what the hardest part of battling a global pandemic would be I would have never guessed, “teaching elementary school math.”
waiter: can i show you to the table
me: sure
waiter: here he is
table: [unimpressed noises]
Health food? Baby, my body is a ’93 Honda hatchback with a headlight out. I’m not about to start putting premium gas in it now.
In Spain, it’s considered bad luck to die in a car accident
Complete list of all the words I know to “The Macarena”:
1- Hey
2- Macarena
Normalize calling a Stanley cup a sippy cup to piss your kid off.
Parenting makes total sense when you’re doing it but probably seems weird from the outside. My wife just hid a pair of my toddler’s pants because ‘they were too much drama’ and that explanation seemed totally reasonable to me.
finally caved and watched tiger king. shit is bananas. the uncle killed the dad while the kid watched, then the kid ran away and hung out with a warthog and a meerkat for years? then he hallucinated his dad talking to him from the sky? weird
I just tried to make coffee with my air fryer, so TGIF
I don’t think I ever really recovered from that time my pet rock ran away.
I had to dress up for a wedding today and when my 6 yr old saw me he exclaimed that I “looked beautiful! Just like Peaches!”
Peaches is our dog.
I don’t like the person I become when I’m alone in the break room with a box of donuts.
Me: “Could you show me where the self-help books are?”
Librarian: “No.”
[me talking to someone one year younger than me]
listen, kid…
Wife: You’re really on a roll today.
Me: : *wearing croissants as slippers* Please leave the dad jokes to me.
my new favorite genre of photography is “cats who are auditioning for the role of the body in an Agatha Christie novel.”
[biologists find beached whale]
its a new species
what can we call it?
[surfer walks by] yo killer whale bro
[biologists look at each other]