I AM dressing for the job I want (I want to be a sweatpants model)
You Might Also Like
My grandma got her bathroom redone with this sparkly gold-specked tile and she just called it her “golden shower” so goodnight.
Naked and Afraid. But it’s just me using the shower at my gym.
Kids: *jumping on me* WAKE UP
Me: I’m woke
Kids: How woke?
Me: We’re putting Harriet Tubman on something that enslaves us all today.
[at a mattress store]
sales assistant: what size are you looking for?
me:*six loads of laundry big* queen should do
[under heavy sniper fire]
Platoon leader: where’s that sniper fire coming from?
Me [crying a fair bit]: a big gun with a telescope on it
Every photo I’m tagged in
Judge: How do you find the defendant?
Jury Foreman: Well…I guess I just look right at him. Why — isn’t that how you do it?
“If we don’t know a word for something, why can’t we just make one up?” he remarked confusatorily.
*slams jug on counter*
Boom! Fresh milk from the neighbor’s cows.
Wife: Ummm they don’t have cows…they have Dalmatians.
Me: My dog ran away two days ago
Dog pound: Does he have a tag?
Me [covers phone to ask wife]: Is the dog on Instagram?
I hope that when the zombies finally do come, they’re all dyslexic and they only go after Brians.
Please enter new password
Me: Candy123
Password shouldn’t be similar to previous password
We recommend this password
J:$aBhh?/@‘c,2.”1f3&,0LP?!477F.91$uMe: Candy123!
I’m jealous of turtles, they can go home whenever they want.
Let’s continue this argument later on when I’m alone in the shower and you’re not there to defend yourself
me: come back to my place?
her: sure
me: it’s not haunted
her: what
me: no ghosts
I’m afraid of being murdered but only because they would record my stomach contents.
Welcome to Starbucks how may I help you?
“Regular coffee with cream please”
That’s $40, 5ml of unicorn tears, and 10 dragon scales.
“TEN?”
This was a terrible day, I’m having live grenades for dinner.
I was bored waiting for my doctor in the exam room but I had fun watching him trying to find the tongue depressor jar I hid.
it’s may 17. what’s next? may 18? i didn’t sign up for this
Sorry I dropped you during the trust fall, I was going through your phone.
Some people say I’m suspicious and adversarial, and they’d better have a goddamn good attorney.
My cat acts pretty tough for someone who disappears for 3 days anytime I sneeze.
quitting my job before Christmas and starting a new one on January 2 was a great decision because I have no emails to respond to
A girl with kaleidoscope eyes sounds horrifying.
Witches these days have it so easy. Do you know how hard it used to be to find so many newts? Now you get them with free 2 day shipping.
Just ran a .3K (Ice cream truck wouldn’t stop)
– Dracula darling, you have something stuck in your teeth.
– Vhere, here?
– No…
– Here?
– No, just go look in-
– GO LOOK IN WHAT, SARAH?
A scary book should be called a boOoOok.