‘They always talk to me like I’m an idiot.’
~dogs in therapy
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My Mom taught me to treat others the way I want to be treated so I always walk up to strangers and spray canned cheese in their mouth.
Oohh, you play bass, as in the guitar. I thought you played bass, like the fish. I would’ve paid to see that.
Your smile is radiant. Close your MOUTH.
Once kids are awake my usage of the word “don’t” goes up 2000%
A horror movie, but it’s just me afraid to go into the kitchen after the kids made cookies by themselves for the first time
*man choking*
Is there a doc in the house?
*Dr Pepper rises*
*searches man’s pockets*
Hey ur no doctor!
*moustache falls off*
*it’s Mr Pibb*
Football is so cute it’s like some guys are like we’re gonna get you and one guys like no no no no
I AM A THREE THOUSAND YEAR OLD SHRUNKEN HEAD AND I DEMAND TO BE REHYDRATED.
‘Pop Goes The Weasel’ is my favourite song about over-inflating your mammals.
Taurus: You have a big life choice to make so watch endless YouTube videos instead of thinking about it.
Me: You can’t arrest me. I have to run a marathon today.
Cop: Stop playing the race card.
Me: *disappears for a few weeks*
Friends: *No concern*
Me: *Posts inspirational quote on FB*
Friends: Dude, you okay? You need to talk?
Wrote a tweet that said “Pizza is never divided by politics.” Was about to hit send.
Then I remembered pineapple .
Just showed my 4 yo niece that I can still do a cartwheel and now she is showing me where the ice packs are.
Prank Idea For The Ladies:
Swallow a plastic dinosaur, then make an appointment to get an ultrasound.
Me, waiting for my husband to realize that I was right.
My kids don’t drive me to drink. Can’t wait until they get their license and they can though.
me: [robbing a bank] ok everybody hands in the air
everyone: [puts hands up]
me: [already mad with power] one hop this time
Actual text from 17 y/o son:
kin u com bi nd swoop me?
I hope he means hit him with my car, because that’s the plan
A very busty woman whispers to me “I want you to tell me if these look real” my eyes widen, then she takes out pictures of the moon landing
Me: god you’re sexy
Her (sultry whisper): I’ll bet you say that to all the women
Me (sultry whisper): not my mom
Heard Santa and his wife separated, which would make them independent Clauses.
[baby takes its first steps]
me in a cop outfit: not even close to a straight line buddy, you’re going away for a long long time.
(pediatric emergency dept)
Me: what’s your name?
4yo boy: I wear size 11 dinosaur shoes and my socks are spiderman today, see? *takes off shoes, shows me socks*
Me: awesome, those are really cool
4yo boy: yeah, I know!
Mom: I promise he knows his name
Feeling adventurous? When your wife calls you, text her “He’s busy” and then switch off the cellphone.
I started carrying a knife after an attempted mugging a few years ago.
Since then, my mugging attempts have been a lot more successful.
I’m not laughing AT you, I’m laughing WITH other people at you.
Returning to work today
My Boss : “the injured driver returned to work, the driver who put his 2 weeks notice in is gone, the driver we tried to hire to replace him that you were supposed to train failed his drug test”
Me : “and a partridge in a pear tree”
M: What do you want for dinner?
H: I don’t care, you decide
M: Sushi?
H: No, but whatever.
M: Mexican?
H: Nah, but your call.He’s dead now