Blackberry users thought of making a joke abt the Apple-Samsung battle, but before they cud tweet thr phone hanged n battery drained out
*Lysol kills 99.9% of germs on my counter*
LYSOL: “Hey .1% germs…
Tell your friends”
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[tries a new move during sex to keep things interested]
wife: did you just dab
I walked outside and my glasses fogged up so I went inside to switch to contacts and stay there until October.
Like a stoned man once said,
I can’t remember.
Oh, you’re a stoner?
Name every stone.
Horse: [slides $20 across the table] I need you to take out the Unicorn.
God: [pocketing money] why?
Horse: because he deserves it.
[later at dinner]
Unicorn: well this is nice.
God: [passing breadsticks] i’m told you deserve it.
A group of us were talking about running a 5k; some are planning to power walk it, a few are going to jog at a slow pace and I thought I’m going to just skip the whole thing.
“Everybody loves us weird girls, right up until we start doing weird girl shit,” I say to my cat, as we watch a documentary about serial killers in our matching onesies.
People often ask how I got to where I am and I look ‘em right in the eyes and tell ‘em I ran out of gas
Menstrual cycles also need to be suspended until this ordeal is over.