@100DollarChill

*Lysol kills 99.9% of germs on my counter*

LYSOL: “Hey .1% germs…

( -_-)>??-?

(??_?)

Tell your friends”

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@GabbbarSingh

Blackberry users thought of making a joke abt the Apple-Samsung battle, but before they cud tweet thr phone hanged n battery drained out

@CornOnTheGoblin

[tries a new move during sex to keep things interested]
wife: did you just dab

@Darlainky

I walked outside and my glasses fogged up so I went inside to switch to contacts and stay there until October.

@NewDadNotes

Horse: [slides $20 across the table] I need you to take out the Unicorn.

God: [pocketing money] why?

Horse: because he deserves it.

[later at dinner]

Unicorn: well this is nice.

God: [passing breadsticks] i’m told you deserve it.

@sophielou

A group of us were talking about running a 5k; some are planning to power walk it, a few are going to jog at a slow pace and I thought I’m going to just skip the whole thing.

@ficklenuts

“Everybody loves us weird girls, right up until we start doing weird girl shit,” I say to my cat, as we watch a documentary about serial killers in our matching onesies.

@pittdave13

People often ask how I got to where I am and I look ‘em right in the eyes and tell ‘em I ran out of gas